Two wonderful men in my one lifetime. I deserve this, right?

I truly never thought I’d be in a relationship again. Sure, I’d dabble in online dating for one month in January every year. Try and have a conversation that was natural and normal. Met one guy for coffee a few years back; however, it amounted to nothing. It was good for laughs, though, and I’m positive I provided some of my own. 

This relationship with the Beautiful Human Being is natural, effortless and powerful. And I’ve previously written about the celebrations and the challenges. The one thing I haven’t written about — the proverbial elephant in the room — is how I feel dating a wonderful man. How I feel in terms of liking and loving a man other than My Favourite Husband (MFH).

Deep breath — it scares the shit of of me if I stop and think about it. There’s guilt. What am I doing having feelings for another man? Having fun with another man? Gulp ... having sex with another man.

Sometimes I feel like I’m sneaking around on MFH, just waiting for him to pop by and ask what the hell I think I’m doing, although that would involve many other feelings, mostly the crap-my- pants kind.

There are times when I feel undeserving of being with the Beautiful Human Being. I had a good marriage and why do I get to be lucky enough to meet and be with two incredible men twice in my life? They are very different and very similar in so many ways. Strong of character. Patient. Kind. Wicked sense of humour. Smart. Interesting. Handsome. 

Men who are physically different and yet both men who command a presence in the room because of their quiet strength. 

Men who both make me feel safe. Protected and not sheltered. Equal. A partner.

Why me? Some people don’t get one person in their lifetime this magical. Why do I get two?

I love the fact my marriage has given me the foundation to be a good partner to both myself and to another human being. I love the fact everything in my life — my past, my present and my future — are all, at this moment, seamless. And I feel guilty about them all, at times: the past I’ve been blessed with, including a good marriage, and all the work I’ve done to build a life that I’m proud of, a life I truly love as a woman I love. And I feel guilty that in a world of billions of people, I met another man who brings with him the possibility of a love that makes my heart want to bloom again. 

I feel guilty and, then, well, I don’t. I don’t deserve this any more than anyone else. And I don’t deserve this any less than anyone else. This life — my life. This happiness — my happiness. Some people have said, “This is what My Favourite Husband would want for you." To that I say this: I truly don’t know what he’d want for me except the same thing that I want for me. To be happy. To live my life fully, completely every moment of every day. Without remorse. Without regrets. 

Simply to love and be loved.