Course inspires me to turn off my life's autopilot

Autopilot. I ran on it for years. It had a subsidiary place in my life when My Favourite Husband (MFH) was alive and well but it became my only operating mode when he got sick.

I remember when I hit the switch for it to become fully operational. It was April 2017 and I had taken him to a hospital emergency department (ED) because he was feeling lightheaded and woozy. His diagnosis of kidney failure was made that January and the decline had started. What neither of us was aware of was a condition called GAVE (gastric antral vascular ectasia) that he had also developed. With GAVE, the capillaries in his stomach became aggravated and they seeped blood. And seeping blood meant losing blood. It was his first admittance for banding, cauterizing and blood transfusions but it would be far from his last.

Sitting in the ED waiting room that first time made me acutely aware I was going to be responsible for much more around our home. More importantly, I was going to shift into a larger caregiver role. And all of that meant that I’d be living on autopilot to get through my days, get done what I needed to do and function as best I could. And I did. 

Living on autopilot wasn’t a bad thing. It simply meant I wasn’t always present in my life. I had a list of things to do every day and I did them. I probably did them well. I don’t really remember. There were moments of joy, for sure, and moments of sadness. Mostly, though, it was exhaustion. And choking down negative emotions because what right did I have to complain when MFH was fighting not only to live but to live with a quality of life. So I crammed and stuffed those feelings to the soles of my feet and then I hit that autopilot switch and told myself, “I’ve got this," every damn day.

And then he died. And autopilot went from what I did in order for both of us to live to something I did so I could survive. My body went into shock to protect my mind from the assault on my heart. And sweet, sweet autopilot, badass autopilot that forced me to live and pushed me daily toward the light became my saviour. The only reason I kept going.

Until I found other reasons.

And now, four and a half years into this messy, magical new life, autopilot has moved out of the spotlight of my life to the position of trusty sidekick. Always with me but not always called on. 

Still defaulted to when life gets chaotic and tricky, though. 

So why my sudden interest in autopilot? Why rock the boat investigating it and its place in my life? 

Well, it’s because of a 10-day online course. A course that piqued my interest the moment I read its contents. It’s called The Shift Experiment and it’s facilitated by a brilliant young woman, Trista Davis. Trista owns Above Average Yoga and Wellness and has an impressive offering of courses and workshops. She also has an impressive resume developing and facilitating courses. One of her best assets, though, is her warmth and genuine relatability to class participants. 

Because I’ve taken classes from her before and enjoyed them immensely (my first was Breathwork for Grief, a month after MFH died), it was a no-brainer to sign up. 

I’m two classes in on a 10-day consecutive run. And the truth is that while I thought the course would be interesting and introduce a few different ideas I could incorporate, I didn’t realize some of the things we’d talk about would be so impactful. 

One of the biggest topics we’ve discussed so far is running on autopilot. How it’s not a character flaw but a way for our nervous system to cope by defaulting to the familiar. It’s about living in reaction and not choice. 

One of the pieces Trista mentioned in her notebook that very much hit home is: “From the inside, it can feel like you are living beside your life instead of living inside of it. Like your days are being spent, not lived."

Gut punch. Even now, well into this next chapter of my life, I have days when I exist on autopilot. Blocks of time I don’t have memories for because I was just focused on racing the clock until the end of the day. A race I lost. Even if I accomplished what I needed to, I wasn’t present in the moments. I was there but I wasn’t. 

Trista went on to talk about the two autopilot layers: repetitious patterns and inherited rules or scripts. Default settings. To quote Trista: “Scripts you were taught about what life is, what life costs, what you have to do to be safe and what you have to do to be worthy."

And right there, I felt a break inside. I thought about how I’ve been living my life on my own since MFH died. About the courses and the classes. About the solo travel and the delicious bonding with my friends. I thought about how proud I am to be curious and bold enough to satisfy that curiosity. About my adventures and experiences. And I thought about how some of them have been painted with a brush of those scripts. About how I’d been judged by some people because of how I act and how I think. I don’t actually my age but I’ve never been 60 before. I don’t act like a proper widow but I’ve never been widowed before. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t say what you think. Don’t be honest. Don’t slow down.

Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! 

All my life there’s been an invisible playbook in effect that dictates the rules and expectations. And, truthfully, at times, it’s easier to default to autopilot and follow those hateful rules than be who I want to be in this moment in time. 

Trista summed it up beautifully: “And here is the hard truth.. If you are living by rules you did not choose, you are not living your life. You are performing a life."

And I wept. I cried for the girl who was a people pleaser, who followed those stupid rules she did not choose. I wept tears of remorse for the woman who conformed to expectations when she knew the path wasn’t the one she longed to be on. I cried for the woman who loved her husband and gladly took on the role of caregiver and doer of all things but didn’t choose to surface for air and almost drown when she had to do life on her own. I shed tears for the woman I am now, the one whom my friends think is brave and curious but how sometimes this woman defaults back to autopilot by scripts when self pressured to tame her too much.

My workshop is about choice. Choosing to return back to yourself when autopilot switches on. Choosing to be present, choosing to choose me and not settle for a life lived by patterns and scripts that do not serve me.

Choosing to live with what does. 

I cannot wait to delve into my next days.