Search for spirituality is bringing me peace

Back in August, I spontaneously visited an intuitive reader. She read a little tarot, did a bit of human design and a bit about my astrological birth chart. One thing she mentioned was that I was entering a house, whereby I would be discovering my spirituality.

Since that time, I’ve been waiting for divine intervention to strike me. Something to tell me what I should be doing and what I should be looking for. Is it organized religion? Is it a miracle or an unfortunate circumstance that restores my faith? Have I lost my faith? Is it exploring something new or reacquainting myself with what I know? What and how do I find spirituality?

Well, there were no signs. And I floundered. I do believe in God. I do pray and I meditate but, sometimes, it’s more habitual. I think I was looking for a 'hallelujah' moment where I raised my hands to the heavens and was filled with holiness. That didn’t happen, though. I wasn’t feeling like I was walking a path towards spirituality, I felt like I was driving into a ditch of confusion.

This has been going on for the past few months. Like most things in life, though, when the time is right and my mind is open, what I need is delivered to me.

It was through a conversation with a very interesting young woman with whom I work. We share some common interests that we discovered already but this conversation sparked my spiritual  curiosity. This young woman believes in the power of femininity. She’s done classes and courses on goddess energy and sexuality. In claiming and healing and acknowledging. She also believes and practices other ideologies but the part that piqued my interest is the healing and the rising. We discussed energy and chakras. We talked about cleansing. We talked about claiming and owning our sexuality, and how doing so has negative connotations in the minds of many. Mostly we spoke about ways to be true to ourselves by letting go, giving up what doesn’t serve us or work for us, and finding our way to what does. She sent me links to websites with courses that might interest me. 

I went home that night, my mind full. I thought about our conversation and then slept on it.

The next day, I delved into the links she sent, investigated the courses and as I did it hit me — this is part of spirituality. Not in the traditional sense. Not in what I thought I was looking for. But in the fact that getting right with myself is part of finding spirituality. If I can’t believe in the power of myself, how can I have faith in anything else? It’s all tied together but part of the answer is trust and faith in myself. And I’m very much key in this. 

It also means recognizing things I want to change to help me find balance and peace. I think that both are part of spirituality. I written about pulling back and not sharing minute details in lengthy messages. Part of that is journalling, which I’ve started. I’m telling somebody — me. Writing down and sharing with myself. Saving the good stuff for catchups with friends that happen with less frequency but maybe more meaning. Video chats, phone calls, in-person talks. And for the friend I connect with online, time to message and share periodically, when there’s something to share. I also wrote about not responding all the time to messages but to process and understand and not respond with emotion, good or bad. And that’s something I’ve been practising — tucking the big Gemini emotions away and being thoughtful with my responses.

These two practices, especially, are bringing me peace. And peace is, to me, spiritual. I’m also an overthinker — a huge overthinker. And I’ve intentionally given myself permission to use a very small block of time to overthink a communication, deal with the real and the assumptions, and then set the message aside. Overthinking ruins my peace. I’m so very tired of my peace being messy. There are things I’m definitely good at if they are messy but my peace is not one of them. It’s time to step back, examine a situation, do the overthinking thing, step away and go back with clarity. Often I come back to the same conclusion of what’s happened or happening, but I’m trying to alter how I feel about it and how I express it. I’m trying to release what’s not mine to own, accept what is mine to own and let things be how they are going to be. 

These practices that I’ve started will cleanse some of the habits that need to be discarded. And some of the people. And all of this will open the portal of exploration into the courses I’m hoping to take and it all ties in, for me, into spirituality. The other thing that this cleansing will hopefully do is make me open to some of the lessons that come from different world religions. 

I’m not an organized religion kind of girl but there’s something to be said for some of the teachings that come from them. Respect, love, kindness. I can cherry pick what works for me. Right? Wrong? Who knows. All I can say is that I’m open to learning and incorporating into my life spiritual relationships that inspire me. 

I think that all of this has been swirling around me for quite some time but, for whatever reason, I just wasn’t open to breaking old habits. I wasn’t open to cleansing. Sometimes the universe gently nudges you to change and sometimes the catalyst is a smack across the ass designed to get your attention. My spirituality isn’t always calm and gentle. Like me, it tumbles ideas and ideologies and makes ripples as I open doors . 

I do like where it’s going, though, and now that I understand that I can define spirituality to be relationships that are curated to be uniquely mine. I look forward to creating the peace, harmony and balance I need within me as a start.