I'm learning that 'not responding' can be an option

I’m learning. I didn’t think I knew it all at my age but I thought I knew myself pretty well. I thought years of experiences along with setbacks and resets and all the other things you learn when you soar high and stumble low would have crafted a good sense of who I am and what to do when I hit a roadblock. 

But sometimes — many times probably — I’ve been proven wrong. Because people are people and everyone is different and there’s no cookie-cutter solution that can be applied to fix things. What I thought I knew and what to do isn’t always what I should be doing. Sometimes, my right way isn’t the right way.

And, here I am, learning that message again. The hard way. I asked my online-only friend about their hesitancy to meet in person since the ending of our in-person collaborative project. I hadn’t gotten an answer before but I did this time. The answer was straightforward, a message from their point of view along with other points comparing our friendship to others in their life.

I read the message and my first thought was to reach out with a counter message, not to disprove their thoughts but to reinforce why I saw things the way I did. But I stopped. Full stopped. Because being an emotional girl means my first instinct will always be to lead with emotions. And so I didn’t. I took a deep breath, dropped my fingers from the keyboard and stopped. A few hours into my day, I paused and read it again and let it sit. Then I tucked it away. And continued to have a beautiful day with family and friends, surprisingly not thinking about the message. I let the day pass not itching to explain myself … again. 

I read it again last night, really read it. I tried to read the tone in addition to the words. I tried to break down the message and consider my friend's point of view.

I did the same today. Surprisingly, not dwelling on the response but let it cross my mind when it did. I took the time — lots of time — and read each sentence. I read to understand, not to respond. 

I’m proud of myself for letting it sit. It’s not natural for me but it’s good for me. I’ve thought about my friend's point of view and how they have valid points. I thought about why I feel the way I do and I have valid points. I thought how I am glad that I didn’t respond and won’t respond because I’ve said what I needed to already and there’s no point in repeating myself. If my friend needs clarification, my door will always be open if a request is made. Mostly, though, I feel like not responding is respecting their message. That’s important to me.  

I’ve learned that silence is an answer. Not feeling obligated to respond is an answer. Not everything needs an answer. In fact, by constantly answering and usually with some kind of emotion, I’ve probably exhausted my friend. And by sharing, again with an abundance of emotion, my friend has leverage — they know how I feel and where I stand but I needed to push for an answer. And now I’ve had to work through guilt for asking, the shame for the answer that I feel (by pushing the friendship to the brink asking for answers) and myriad other emotions that comes with a friendship where I’m floundering.

Will I ever answer this particular message? I don’t think so. Ultimately, I’m grateful that they shared what they did with me. Feedback is a gift and one that I will always accept. I may not like it but I’ll accept it. I think it’s respectful not to respond but to absorb their words. Not everything needs to be a debate. 

Has the message change how I view things? Has it changed my mind? No. I’ve spent a little time thinking about why I’ve arrived to my point and, in my mind, the picture that’s developed is pretty focused. I am not saying I’m right but I am saying that my point of view has been formulated without cloudiness. I’m sure theirs has been as well. We see things very differently and that’s completely OK. The one thing that would be the biggest benefit to our friendship would be to meet in-person and be able to talk all of it through. I’m sad that’s not an option, at least at this time. 

What happens now? Good question. Really good question. I don’t know. Both of us have pulled back on sharing, my friend more than I. I miss the closeness that we once shared and I’ve been reluctant to let things change but I think they might have to. And that’s OK. Shifting isn’t a bad thing at all. As our lives change and we change, relationships change. It’s normal. 

I’m also trying to message with less emotion. It’s hard for me but it’s hard for them as well to read long, messy messages. I’m doing my best to be more succinct and factual. I can learn this too and it’s something I can apply with all my friends. 

If my friend would like to know how I feel about their words, they are welcome to reach out and ask. If they don’t, that’s more than OK, too. In fact, I think letting them take the lead in our next conversations will give me a good idea on how we will move forward. 

Time and space will guide what happens next. But what’s happening now is learning that I can respond in different ways, without emotion, still be me and still be respectful to everyone involved. It only took me 60 years and a gentle step forward.