Time with loved ones: the greatest gift of all

“What do you want for Christmas?" I remember excitedly asking my parents. Every year, the answers were the same: “Good kids,” my Dad would say. “Nothing. Let’s just spend time together,” my Mom would say.

It was difficult to understand their requests. I mean, who wouldn’t want gifts spilling from under the Christmas tree, knowing there were lots for you? Who wouldn’t want the cool things and great stuff? I did. And then, as I got older and left home, I wanted stuff because I was broke and hustling on my own and needed things. Material items meant a lot to me, so how could they not to my parents? 

Dad never got his requested gift when we were younger but, much like hoping I’d get off Santa’s naughty list, he kept asking. When we got older and bloodlines mattered but they didn’t, he got kids who, at times, got along; at other times, none of us got along. For the most part, my youngest brother and I get along well, my brothers get along well and my other brother and I are civil. Sometimes being cordial is a great gift, too.

For a very long time, I didn’t understand my Mom’s request. All of kids were connected to her, especially, and spent time with her. How could she possibly want more time? Besides, we were busy working and building our lives. Marriage, kids. All the things. All the time. We spent time but where did the time go?

I get it. Now I get it. I knew it all along but in different ways. Before I was married, spending time with my friends meant everything. Then spending time with My Favourite Husband. And now, spending time with the beautiful people in my world: heart sisters, friends, my Mom. There was only so much time to go around and I had to make choices. I still do but now I get it. 

I get it. 

What greater gift could you ever give than looking at your busy daytimer and carving out time for someone who matters? Is there anything more precious than saying to someone: “ I want to see you. I want to spend time with you. I want to laugh and cry and sit in silence with you. I want to talk about everything and nothing."

With everyone busy with everything, making time to be together is tricky. Tricky but not impossible. It just requires a willingness to make it happen and an effort to secure a date.

I also understand the difference in what my Mom was asking. There are different kinds of “spending time together.” There’s spending time that’s an obligation: “I should go see my Mom,” or, “I should go see these friends because they keep asking to get together — and, it’s getting annoying." My Mom never wanted to be an obligation. No one likes to be an obligation. When someone has to ask, repeatedly, to spend time together, a few things could happen. The time spent might be resentful. Or the relationship might drift and disconnect. My Mom knows this and she’s smart enough to loosen the ties and stop asking to spend time together and let her family take the lead. She’s smart enough to not use guilt to get her heart's desire. Speaking only for myself, it’s led me to call her a few times more throughout the week. I try to see her in person weekly. Not out of obligation but because I love and appreciate her — who she is and our relationship. I want to spend time with her.  I’ve learned the hard way that none of us are here forever and we don’t know when today will be our last day. I cherish our time together and I will not take it for granted. 

I find I’ve applied the same principles with my friends. I get together frequently and effortlessly with some friends. Some friends it’s trickier to find time so connecting is less frequent but we still make it happen. And some friends I’ve come to realize that seeing each is an obligation for them so I’ve backed off asking. Much like my Mom felt at certain points in her life, connecting as an obligation isn’t a good feeling. It’s better to let go of the possibility and simply embrace the reality. 

My Dad passed away more than 23 years ago and the “good kids” wish is for a different time and place. 

My Mom still wants nothing but the gift of time together. Even though each of us commits to buying her some small thing, our gifts also include committed time together in ways that are fun and meaningful to each of our relationships. Dinner theatre tickets. Supper dates at her favourite restaurants. Dates she can put on her calendar. More importantly, though, is the fact that she can count on getting together with me at least once a week.

Just because.