My heart needs more than online friendship

I like my bed. Sometimes, I do my best thinking in my bed. But why does my best thinking need to be at 4:30 a.m.? At least  I’m in my bed.

If I can’t sleep and my brain insists I need to sort a quandary out, at least I’m comfortable. There’s that.

And so began my day, my body protesting being awake to do my mind’s bidding. My body screamed, “Get coffee if you’re going to think,” but my brain said, “Stay in bed where you’re warm." My brain won.

So, my quandary. It’s something that’s been simmering for a long time but has bubbled to the surface a couple times within the last few months. I’m now at a place where I just need to figure out why I feel the way I do and how I’m going to move forward. 

I’ve been told I have “big Gemini emotions,” news that is unsurprising to me. Sometimes my emotions tangle me up, though, and thinking clearly is muddled. But when I reach a breaking point, my mind clears, the emotions abate and I am compelled to assess my situation and take action. I had hoped it would be when I get out of bed, have a cup of coffee first and it’s after 6 a.m. but here I am. 

The situation that has me in turmoil is this: I reconnected about six years ago with a friend I knew many years ago. The reconnection was wonderful and we began a journey to reestablish our dormant friendship. COVID-19 hit soon after our first in-person meeting (a supper together) so we kept in touch through written communication. After COVID-19, the death of My Favourite Husband happened and another in person meeting was postponed. During that time, though, we chatted, caught up with each others lives and talked about our interests — some in common and some not. But we were growing a friendship. Through those conversations, ideas for collaborating on two projects were born. One collaboration required meeting in person, at times, to finesse details. The other project could be managed online. I think it’s safe to say we were both excited about both projects because they would put to use many of our creative skills and efforts. The projects didn’t have timelines; in fact, this blog is one of them. And since we did them in our free time (do adults even have free time?), we agreed either one could be ended, mutually, if the other person needed it to be. 

One of our collaborations — the one that had in-person meetings — ended about a year and a half ago. My friend and I live in different cities (about three hours apart) and although distance wasn’t a factor during the project, it kind of was after. I didn’t like the end but one of the biggest reasons was because I like seeing my friends in person from time to time and I knew the end of the project would potentially lessen the in-person interaction.  I’m old school that way. Yes, I’ve seen the memes about adult friendships and how they can be wonderful, from a distance, while we juggle life. However, if you are close friends — like we were becoming — isn’t part of “juggling life” finding time to see each other? 

And, although I shouldn’t have, I extracted a promise from my friend that we would still meet, still find time to get together in person and catch up. In hindsight, it was a shitty thing to do. It added an expectation that I wanted and assumed they did.  Since our project ended, we’ve only seen each other once in person. And it was while my friend was here for business. Our quick supper was wonderful but it was luck, not planning, that made our visit happen.

We’ve talked — multiple times, so much talking! — about finding time to sit and catch up for a day, uninterrupted. But when the daytimers come out and plans are made, it’s never for us. And I, with the more flexible schedule, place the onus on my friend to look at their schedule and suggest dates … which never happens. So the hope and excitement that I feel beginning to bubble at talk of getting together gets squashed as the pages on the calendar turn, the seasons melt into each other and the only time we see each other's face is on the pictures posted on social media. 

Now I need stop and say very clearly that we have a solid online friendship. We are confidantes in many things because we think alike in some ways. So the support is there. The respect is there. The affection is there. I do not question it. But the desire from my friend to connect in person is not there and a recent comment where a potential visit to my city could possibly be combined with another meeting instead of having the day we talked about having, has pushed me over the edge. It seems like one more excuse not to spend time together.  

In fairness to my friend, when I called them out on an “combo date”, there was a backpedal and an answer that it would not be. In fairness to me, there was no suggestion to fix a date. And because of it, it makes me question both why and this aspect of our friendship. Which has led me to ruminate at 4:30 in the morning. More accurately, my mind has woken me up to tell me to stop ruminating and deal with my thoughts and feelings once and for all. I guess that’s why my brain is in charge.

And so, I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling (well, to be fair it was dark and I’m blind without my glasses so I looked up, in the dark). Multiple times I threw double middle fingers, did a little cussing, a little crying and then settled myself down. My two biggest questions are: why the reluctance to meet in person and why do I care so damn much? And both of those, in my mind, stem from the same root. We see this friendship very differently and we see each other very differently.  And that, simply, is the source of my angst. 

When we were in-person collaborating, I also thought we were building a foundation to stay connected both in person and online when the project was over. I believed us to be more than collaborative partners, I thought we were friends. And we ARE friends.  It seems like my push to connect, though, is bringing on obligatory responses and instead of keying into those responses and resetting the friendship in my mind, I’ve continually, probably annoyingly, pushed. I should’ve backed off. In fact at one point in this summer when I suggested making a date, my friend ghosted me for three weeks. When I reached out, they said they feared disappointing me by not being able to commit to a date. That was a huge clue. I am not a good detective. Never though, in all of the time of multiple suggestions of getting together, has there been given to me a reason for the reluctance to get together. But, do the reasons really matter?

Now, why do I care so damned much? Why is this so important to me? This is a bitter pill to swallow. It’s actually pretty embarrassing and something I should’ve learned many years ago. I care so much because getting together is a validation of MY value to them inside this friendship. Getting together, like other friends, means I was more than a collaborative partner, I am a friend. It means I have worth to this person outside of the project, that I’m more than the skills I contributed. It means this friend sees me as a person outside of the project parameters we set. I want them to look at their daytimer with an eager anticipation of finding a date to see me as much as I want to see them. 

And that’s why I care. I care because friends are important to me and I want to be equally important to them. I want them to find me worthy — worthy of spending time with, as worthy as their other friendships.  And I fear that I’m not. This caused many multiple double fuck you fingers to be thrown skyward both to my friend but mostly to myself for being so clueless. 

Ok, so, now that I’ve humbled myself to myself, what’s the next move? Because coffee needs to be had and I’m gonna need to pee soon. Time to start wrapping this up. 

First, accept that we have a great friendship. We do. Appreciate everything that we talk about. Continue to support each other as we do. Be grateful for the reconnect, grateful for the project we worked on together and the one we are still working on. Keep finding joy in the friendship.

Second, accept that meeting in person is not important to my friend. Accepting doesn’t mean liking but it does mean this — stop talking about getting together. It hasn’t happened, isn’t likely to happen and talking about it gets me upset when it doesn’t and probably makes them uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are, they just are. Fix in my mind that some amazing friendships are online ones. Drop the old school mentality that in person is always best. Taking off the table my desire to hang out in person might even make our friendship stronger because there would be no pressure to do so. Protect my peace. Accept the reality with calmness and clarity. Have gratitude for what is. 

Third, and most important, stop (and I mean STOP) tying the in-person collaboration, the lack of  in-person meetings now and my value and worthiness in a friendship together. It’s such bullshit and I know it. Such bullshit. If my friend does see me differently, treat me differently outside of what we worked on that’s their problem, not mine. I know I am valuable. I know I am worthy. I know what I bring to the relationships — friends and family — in my life. If my friend has pigeonholed me, does it really matter? And, to be fair, they may not have. But if they have, so be it. If they think getting together will mean they are forced to see me in a different light, that’s up to them and not me.

But in my time on earth I’ve been a part of different friendships. Situations change, people change and when they do it’s up to each of us to embrace and accept their growth. It’s up to us to make each other feel safe, supported and welcomed inside of the friendship. And it’s up to me to find my own value, my own sense of worth within myself and not look for it in anyone else. It’s up to me to read the signs from my friend and respect them and focus on the friendship we have and how it looks and not the friendship we don’t. When it’s all said and done I enjoy this friend. I treasure this friendship. And I want both in my life for as long as possible, no matter how that looks.

Whew! That’s a lot. And now I REALLY need to get up and get going. Not only on starting the day but writing this post. Coffee first, though…