Invisibility will lead to invincibility

My superpower is invisibility.

As I sit on a patio on a beautiful acreage in Portugal, lazily soaking up the sun, listening to the birds, my Heart Sister inside talking to herself as she gets organized for the class she is teaching tomorrow, I’m smiling. Ruminating. Contemplating. I could walk the Camino and reflect as I feel the kilometres pass under my feet or I could sit here and reach my own conclusions. With less swearing. I choose here.

And, what does this have to do with my superpower? It’s the fact that maybe, finally, I’m at a place in my life where the world no longer sees me, which leaves me free to see me. 

This is not a woe-is-me thing. It’s not a longing to be noticed. It’s an acceptance of sorts.

I thought I’d reached this place before but, looking back, I’m not sure I had. I think I was still searching for attention in the world, visibility in a romantic way as validation. I was looking to belong, putting life on hold for some day while ignoring today. I was looking to matter.

But the reality is, at age 60, a single woman at age 60, much of society has decided that I’m invisible. 

To be crystal clear, I am not invisible to friends and family. They see me, love me as I do them. That’s different. I’m talking about the invisibility that exists elsewhere. The anonymity that means I can wade through a crowd of people without drawing attention. The knowledge that comes from understanding that I no longer need to dress perfectly, look perfectly, be perfect, because I blend in. I do not stand out. The fact there are no expectations of how I act, what I choose to pursue because it’s all excusable due to age and marital status.

Instead of fighting it, I’m finally coming to terms, slowly, that by accepting it, I can claim the life I’m seeking to have. I have choices and those choices are mine to decide and claim. No expectations. No obligations. 

This hit me like a ton of bricks the other day as I lamented on why i would be returning back to Canada in the next few days. My reality is that I do have to return for now. But I can plot, plan and prepare to travel. I can get my affairs in order so that instead of talking about what I want, I can do what I want. My life is limited by the boundaries I’ve set — boundaries that are movable. 

I can traverse the parts of the world I want and do so invisibly. I’m not naive. I know that care and caution need to be exercised but my age has given me invisibility from much unwanted attention. My age has given me a cloak that allows me to go into the world as I please. 

At home, I can and do blend in but I haven’t used that skill elsewhere. At home, I’m beginning to realize that “act my age” means acting how I like because there are no eyes on me. It’s letting people underestimate me by not seeing me, which frees me.

I like being invisible and unremarkable. I like being able to say and do what I’d like (to a degree) without being judged because I’ve contributed to the world and many people think that contribution is now done. 

Now it’s time to use this superpower to its full potential as I move throughout this part of my life.