Friend's new friendship sends me into a spiral of negative self-talk

My default is self-degradation. Isn’t that super shitty?

It used to be an “always” default. Now it’s an “at times” default. I hate it, really, at any time. You know that old saying, “If you know better, do better”? Well, I know better with this. I often do better with this. But once in a while, well, I don’t. And often what’s spiralled me into this negative behaviour pattern is not as bad as the self-shit-talk itself.

It happened very recently. Chatting with a very close friend and hearing about an experience he was preparing to have with a different friend. A new friend. The conversation landed awkwardly because the experience being crafted was something I would enjoy. And we’ve been friends longer.

Instead of staying out of the junior high rhetoric, I began to question why. A little to my friend but mostly to myself. Why wasn’t this something we shared? It was an intimate experience, something close friends would share. Was I not good enough? What was wrong with me that my long-time friend wouldn’t want to have this experience with me?

I fell down a vicious rabbit hole of low self-esteem and insecure chatter directed at myself. Questions bubbled up and spewed out into the stillness of my home. Questions about not being good enough in so many ways. Not being worthy. Not being valued and appreciated. Because when I shit-talk myself, I do it to wound myself. My anxiety heightens.

Even though none of that was said to me by my friend. 

Self-degradation is exhausting. And, at the ripe old age of 60, something that I had hoped I put behind me for the most part. It’s unkind, negative and mostly untrue.

But when seeking answers to a situation that stings, I can use it to justify and explain. Right or wrong. It’s my default coat of armour, if you will. 

The truth is anyone and everyone can have experiences with anyone of their choosing, no questions asked. No justification needed. I’m sure I do it as well. We all select people in our lives who we feel would enjoy the experience together with us the most. Sometimes we curate experiences especially for different friends knowing that others might like to do the same things. But we select based on different criteria: getting to know someone better; strengthening a budding connection, and simply because they are the person with whom we want to share this experience and build these memories. 

My role as a close friend and confidante is to support and encourage and not to ask “why not me?” My place is to also not spiral, overthink and, most of all, not speak to myself negatively about myself. All it does is ruin my self-confidence and put a strain on our friendship. If I find myself unworthy, why would anyone else find me worthy?

For me, recognizing I default to this pattern, at times, is a great place to start stopping. Write it out, talk it out to myself and then put it behind. The bottom line is that I’m good enough. Worthy enough. And if I’m not chosen to have an experience, then I’m simply not. It has nothing to do with me and my worth and everything to do with individual choice.

It was an exhausting morning at my home as I worked it all out. Let go of the big feelings. Chatter as needed. Cry a little bit. Then stop, reset, refocus. Call in the positivity. Cue the words that combat the anxiousness and negativity. Let them sink in. Release. Recognize.

One bit of progress that I’m super proud of myself for is that while it stung not to be selected for the experience, I was never jealous or unhappy for my friend and his partner in crime. It was never about them but about me. No anger. No jealousy. Just a bit of hurt that I’m over.

This is a hard road, the pebbles on it a bit sharp. But each step I take towards remaining self-positive will only bring me peace and joy as I make my own choices in selecting people for adventures.