Figuring out my life: it's in the cards

“So, you took your bottles in, it started raining, you felt like you were being called for a psychic reading, found one and went. You spent your bottle money on a psychic?"

My Heart Sister couldn’t keep the amusement out of her voice. And, because we were on a video chat, the big smile off her face.

Realizing just how absurd it sounded when she said it, I sheepishly said: “Yes, and then I went to a bookstore that sells smut the next day and purchased some literature."

That pushed her over the edge. The laughter that had been bubbling erupted. I hadn’t initially started out to entertain her but, knowing it would, I rolled with it. Out of all my heart sisters, I’m easily the one named Most Likely to Have the Oddest Adventures.

In fairness to me, quenching my curiosity has been easier since the death of My Favourite Husband. He wouldn’t have cared about spending money since, as a rule, I’m prudent with finances. But the mumbo jumbo of a psychic and the money spent on spicy books would have made him question me. Well, me and “whatever the hell is wrong with you.”

“Wow,” she said, “you must’ve had a lot of bottles to take in." 

That comment made us both laugh. After a moment of giggling, she asked: “So, what did the psychic say?"

"She’s an intuitive reader,” I corrected, realizing that until I had my experience, I had no idea what that was. "Well, she provides a lot of different services and gave me a sample of a birth chart, a human design and a yes or no tarot card reading to a question."

My birth chart was interesting. We talked about my life to date as well as where things are heading in the next while. I’m heading into a period where I’ll be withdrawing a bit to focus on finding my way spiritually. 

"That makes sense to me because I think that’s the final piece of my puzzle to work on in my widowhood," I told my Heart Sister. 

Then I blurted: “There’s a possibility for romance," which made her eyebrows raise and her face crease in a smile. I’ve closed myself off to the possibility but, over the last little while, I’ve cracked open the door slightly. 

“(My intuitive reader) didn’t say I’d be getting my shit together anytime soon,” I started. 

"You have your shit together,” my Heart Sister interrupted.

"But maybe I’ll figure it all out,” I finished. 

My Heart Sister looked at me pensively and gently said: “Just be kind to yourself. You’re too hard on yourself."

I know this is a problem. I cover it well, or so I thought. Self-deprecation and mocking myself for my quirks and perceived shortcomings. Expecting perfection. Not all of this all of the time but often enough to be something I need to work on.

My intuitive reader didn’t pinpoint this exactly but did gently talk about who I am and what to be cautious of.

“Next we did a bit of human design,” I told my Heart Sister. "It’s similar to a birth chart in some ways but we also talked a bit about chakras in association with it. It’s more of a blueprint of who I am." 

My Heart Sister listened patiently as I fumbled, trying to explain what was explained to me. To her credit, she listened patiently, spoke only a little and smiled gently as I relayed information. Her eyes twinkled behind her red eyeglasses frames, her high ponytail bobbing up and down as I talked about who I am and hopefully who I will be. 

“Does this make sense?" I queried. She hesitated, briefly and said yes. “But,” she continued, “what do you think? Do you feel better having gone? Did you get what you were looking for?"

I hesitated. 

“Yes and no. I wasn't looking for her to tell my future. I wasn’t looking for what will happen in life going forward. I think I was simply looking for someone to tell me why I am the way I am. Does that make sense? Are some of the reasons I think and act the way I do because, well, it’s in the stars? Or is it simply me? Was I always meant to be who I am or am I colouring outside of the lines and I need to rein myself in, get back on track and start being an adult again?" 

“Why do you think you need to change?" my Heart Sister asked me.

To this, I have both no answers and too many answers. In some ways, I feel like my age should help dictate my behaviour and I’m not certain I act like I’m 60. Admittedly, I’m not sure what 60 is supposed to act like. I’m smart and I’m kind. I do my best to be a good person. I’m financially responsible. I’m not accountable to anyone but myself. I’m semi-retired because I can be. I have built and will continue to create an amazing life where I say yes to adventures and opportunities regardless of how bold they are. I’m curious and interested in the world. 

However, I do think, when I look at others, that I should be more settled. More sedate. Perhaps push limits less. Would I be happy doing this? I’m not sure but my gut says no. I just think society has different expectations of me than I do of myself. And I wrestle with being a senior citizen of 60 and a carefree, adventurous woman of 60. I struggle with being the tail end of a generation that still believes in being proper at a certain age and being who you are regardless of age.

I try and explain this to this beautiful sister. Although the answer sounds simple — be who you want to be — I’m not convinced it really is that simple. 

“What question did you ask with your tarot card?” she asked. 

“I’m feeling disconnected from one of my closest friends. I wanted to know if we would reconnect. If he and I have the possibility of resuming our friendship the way it was before this blip." 

She nods. 

She knows a bit about the disconnect and how much I want us to reconnect. She knows how much he means to me. 

“And?" she asks. 

“It’s going to be OK,” I smile. 

She sits back in her office chair a world away and seven hours in the future.

“Now, tell me about the smutty bookstore,” she asks with a wicked grin…