Four Years Ago Today

 This was my fourth August 10, the day My Favourite Husband died. The day I stopped counting wedding anniversaries and his birthdays, those dates forever frozen. The day that the only date that will be continuously counted is his deathaversary, the marking of the number of years that he’s been gone.

I can never “plan” my emotions, predict how I will feel on that day. My plan was to simply let the day and all it brings unfold as it will. To be kind, soft and gentle with myself. To remember what comes to mind and allow it to be.

I was busy the three days prior. Thursday I shopped with a girlfriend from the greenhouse. Friday I was at a gathering of friends, all of whom I’d met the year I was a Flight Attendant (except for a heart sister- I’ve known her for years prior). And Saturday night I was at a surprise birthday party for a gentleman I met through aquafit. Treasured friendships that have developed over the fast four years. 

With that in mind I picked up a Starbucks and drove to the cemetery to have a chat with MFH. It was a beautiful day, sunshine and breeze, the combination of warmth and movement.  I picked up the flower arrangement I made - I MADE!- and carried my drink and the flowers and walked to his grave. After I set the pot down, I kicked off my Birks, sat and settled in for a chat. 

Now I’m a believer that he is energy that surrounds me and has a good idea of what’s happening in my life. I’m pretty sure there’s been a combination of applause and cringing, sometimes both at the same time. And so I began our chat believing that what I was going to say wouldn’t be anything that he hasn’t already heard. 

I cried. I laughed. I loved. I asked him if he was proud of the flower arrangement I made- I MADE! me, the least crafty person on the planet. I’m pretty sure his reply was that he didn’t care about flowers and, with a ghostly eye roll, he said “yes, I’m proud of you”. A good part of our conversation, though, was focused on gratitude. I talked about the gratitude I had for our years together. For the good and the not so great. For the times that were effortless and the times that felt like there was an impasse that would never be bridged. I chatted about the gratitude I have for what our relationship taught me. How I’ve made some mistakes with people that I wish I’d not made but have learned that it’s ok to have boundaries. It’s ok to put myself first. It’s ok to let go.

What I didn’t think about immediately was the actual events of August 10, 2021. Although that was the day when his life ended and mine changed forever, the 27 years prior was what I thought about. What I wanted to remember. 

And so I did. I talked about whatever memories bubbled up. Some of them not appropriate, I’m sure, for a cemetery. What the hell, I’m sure I gave the occupants a good chuckle.

And then I switched gears. I talked about how blessed I am to have a strong inner circle that sent me messages with extra love that day. Strong, fearless people who knew today might be tricky and knew that a little extra support and love finding its way to me would always be welcomed. Cherished. An inner circle that knew today was mine but it didn’t have to be if I needed them. I simply had to ask and they would be there. Gratitude.

I told MFH about the three days prior to his deathaversary and who I spent those days with. And how I wouldn’t have met these wonderful people - and so many more- if he was still alive.

And I have an abundance of gratitude for them and for being who they are and for wanting to share my life and I theirs. 

I would give anything to have MFH “undead” but it will never be. The only thing I can change is my own life. I can create it to be anything that I want it to be, include in it whomever I want and exclude the same. Gratitude used to be heavily laced with guilt when I thought of it. Now, it’s simply gratitude. Gratitude because I KNOW I’m blessed repeatedly. I had a really good life throughout my marriage. And I have a really good life now. Not many people can say that. Gratitude is the only way to express it.

After an hour I slipped my Birks back on. Collected the old, weathered flowers from beside the headstone. Cheekily told him to take care of the new ones. Said “I love you” - because if you love someone they should know- and left. 

I spent the rest of my day putting random acts of kindness into the world. Received a beautiful one back. Watched a movie. Napped. Had a visit with a neighbour.

Reflected on the day.

Grief and love go hand in hand. If you know love, you will know grief. If you grieve, it’s love that is shown just a little differently. I’ve grieved hard over the past years but my grief looks different now too. My grief is softer, smoother. It’s the grief of gratitude for my past not regret and longing for it. I will always miss MFH but it’s not the missing of someone who’s life has been paused. It’s the missing of someone who’s life has moved forward, who is excited about the woman I am and what my life is. It’s the missing of knowing that my past, present and future are made up of people that will always be remembered for their part in it. 

Blessed.