“Why do we always think WE are the problem”?

 “Why do we always think WE are the problem”?  

It is a very valid question. A question that two heart sisters who wear their emotions on their sleeve chatted about. Women who live, laugh, cry loudly. Women who talk and share openly and honestly. Communicators, speaking their feelings boldly. Willing to accept the blame if they are part of a problem but also women who assume they are the whole  problem because of their penchant for living life without holding back. And maybe women who share too much. 

It was a conversation about friendships and family situations in flux. Shifts that happen in relationships. Radio silence and pullbacks. A barrage of one sided words met with walls. Shifts and changes where a lack of communication and no communication feel like punishment. 

We talked about how we feel when these experiences happen to us and how we feel like the shift in dynamic is completely “our fault”.

And it might be. Because there are times that the price for honesty, for speaking your thoughts and feelings, for being open and raw is a distancing or end to a relationship. Often we aren’t told what we did or said that brought things to a head for the other party. We can apologize or explain. I mean I guess we could, but it means speaking words into a void without a guarantee of reciprocity. And being unsure of what we are sorry for, recalling and over analyzing conversations to seize a crumb or two so we can spit out “I’m sorry” and promise to change to please. 

But, are women like us really the problem? Maybe we offended, intentionally or not. Maybe our words are catalysts for silence.  But if we are never told what we did or said, not given an opportunity to explain, apologize or correct, are we the problem?

For both this heart sister and it’s been a life long struggle. I came from a household with a volatile father and accepting blame for whatever went wrong was far easier than challenging him. So I learned to apologize for a multitude of sins. And I learned that an apology from him would not be coming. My Mom was (and continues to be) rational but up until my Dad’s death she, too, apologized and accepted. 

This pattern - this learned pattern- carried on into adulthood. I’ve apologized to shitty boyfriends for their shitty behaviours in the hope that they’d find me a girlfriend they’d like to keep and “love me”. I’ve apologized to shitty friends for their shitty behaviour in the hope that they’d think I was fun and interesting and want me in their life. I’ve apologized, many times, to a shitty brother for the times he’s refused to speak to me for years at a time, not knowing what I’d done wrong, just knowing that family was supposedly everything.

My Favorite Husband was different. If he owed me an apology, he apologized. If I owed him one, I apologized. We communicated and talked about what was wrong. Did we argue? Absolutely. And sometimes we put ourselves into separate corners and each took a time out. When cooler heads prevailed, we sorted out our differences and moved forward. 

With the death of MFH, it’s been a dance - two steps forward and a step back. I’ve found myself both striding a new path forward and falling into very old patterns, patterns I thought I had left behind. It’s up to me to identify the old patterns and break them, learn from them, grow.

In my one failed dating attempt I’d accepted being treated in a way where I wasn’t valued. I was a convenience. And when I spoke up, asked for clarity, asked for “more” I was left behind in a wall of silence. I wasted more of my precious words than I ever should’ve only to receive none in return. It was a very humbling lesson in opening my heart, speaking my thoughts and then realizing that they should be shared sparingly. Parcelled out like crumbs of the most decadent dessert.

I left that short lived situation believing I was the “problem”. It’s taken me a few years to realize that the only problem was one sided communication. 

The recent conversation though brought up a current situation for both of us. Hers is family related. Mine is friendship. Mine has roots in different areas - my jealousy and feelings of a perception of being a friend of lesser worth than other friends. It stretches from being envious of not spending time together to not hearing “I love you” back (I tell all my friends I love them). It’s gone from conversation to silence. I spoke up and I spoke out and right now the cost is silence. 

Truthfully, my friend doesn’t have to reach out. There’s no obligation to do so, indeed no expectation that it happens. But the silence - going on three weeks now- has taken its toll. Instinctively, I want to reach out, apologize, promise that whatever I said I take back. The urge to “be a good friend” and “own it all” is getting hard to fight. But this time, I’m making a stand. This time, I’m going to let the silence stay. If my friend wants distance I will respect that. It is, after all, my friends choice and not mine. Will this cost me a friendship? With all my heart I hope not. However, I am unwilling to be the entire problem anymore, in any situation with anybody. I would rather walk away than accept a relationship where clear communication isn’t present and understanding (and apologies if necessary) are not an integral part. It’s a very sobering and heart hurting possibility. But I’m done with chasing ghosts in any situation. I’m not a victim but I’m not a villain. All I want are friendships where we can be who we are, love each other for our strengths and faults and value each other for the uniqueness that is us.

In working towards my acceptance of this philosophy and finding my peace I’ve had to do a lot of hard thinking. Was my principle of accepting all the “blame” in a given situation or owning that I’m the entire “problem” part of a martyr complex? “Oh look world at what a great person I am”? Was I hosting multiple pity parties, looking for sympathy? Attention?

My honest answer - after much reflection- is no. There never was - nor does there continue to be- a woe is me syndrome. I’m not big on confrontation and it’s easier to move forward when I swallow my pride, bite my tongue and apologize. I might feel “woe is me in a situation” but I don’t feel that way when I own a problem. I simply own, accept and go forward. I don’t feel sorry for myself doing it. However….

The cost of acting in that manner is simmering resentment at times. Swallowed resentment at my choice.  The flip side is the cost of speaking up, expressing my feelings and possibly making waves is potentially lost relationships. 

It’s tricky. And it’s against my nature to not try and work things out, reach out, apologize. Accept. Own. Going forward though, I’ve made the decision to be part of relationships where both people are the problem and both people are the solution. This may always be a work in progress for me but, at 60, if not now then when?