A bikini top, a duck, a flirt and the beginning of believing- PVR Day 2

When I woke up this morning it took me a beat to realize where I am. The hum of the air conditioner. The crash of waves that permeated my balcony doors. The fact that I’m in a king size bed Baby! I can roll over and over…it’s the little things! 

I’m loving it- all of it! What’s not to love! I rolled over and stretched - a deep, delicious stretch, one that tells my body it’s time to think about beginning the day.

I tackled the coffee maker first. I’m not sure why I have these dinky little cups (the size of a urine sample bottle) and a machine that spits out enough caffeine to fill it three quarters full. I grumble, try repeatedly to brew a cup and sigh, knowing that a full cup of something stronger will have to wait until I go down for breakfast. But the cup I did make successfully is carried to the balcony with me. I sit and sip. The sky is overcast but I do not care. I breathe deeply, inhaling the scent of the sea. As my lips part to sip my coffee I can also taste the salty tang of the endless water that’s so very, very near. I’m giddy, the butterflies stirring up a combination of both childlike and adult fascination. My eyes flutter and close- briefly. I offer up gratitude and thanks for this moment. For being here. 

It’s time to get ready to head down for breakfast and beach. I’m not gonna lie, I thought twice about bringing the pink and orange bikini top and putting it on. I’m not a bikini top girl, I have extra everything. But my extra everything also includes extra moxy and today I do not care. And so I put the top on, gaze in the mirror and smile in delight. Not because I’ve turned into a super model overnight but because I…don’t….care!

I slip on a t-shirt, shorts, grab my beach bag and head down. 

As I ride the elevator down the thought hits me - this holiday was never intentionally about “firsts”. Yes, wearing this swimsuit top is a big deal to me and a “first”. But it’s not a “must do”. I could’ve very easily made a different choice. I’m proving nothing to no one including myself. I’m simply going with what feels right. I’m letting things unfold without a plan. Grinning, I look up at the security camera in the elevator and wink…why not?!

It’s surprising what self confidence can do! I arrive into the dining room the buffet is at and get seated- a table with a beautiful view of the gardens! Three waiters come over, introduce themselves and upon discovering I’m single make every effort to connect. It’s entertaining and flattering. I enjoy every sip of the coffee- the LARGE cup of coffee. Every sip of the mimosa. And every delicious bite of the pain au chocolate, the fudgy chocolate goodness smearing my lips. Mimosas and chocolate- could there be a better way to start the day? I think not!

Meandering down the short path to the beach, a bit later,  I’m surrounded by beautiful gardens. Lush and green with interesting flowers and foliage. It isn’t long before my feet find the sand. Kicking off my Birks, I dig my toes in the warm, grainy goodness and I simply smile. This is my joy, my happiness. This is where I belong, I score a great lounger beachfront under a palm tree. I have no plans this vacation except one - I plan to be on the beach as much as I can. So I settle in, fussing to set up my spot just right. And the moment of truth- can I? Dare I?…. I whip off my t-shirt and there I am! Bikini top and all! The funny thing is… no one cared. And, if they did, no one was obvious about it. The only person who thought I shouldn’t be wearing a bikini top was me! Time to get over it..

My next move was sunscreen. I hate sunscreen. I’m a baste in oil kinda girl. And yet, here I was, giving in to the 30. But burning off the hop would mean less beach time and I’m not giving that up so I spritzed and sprayed,. sigh….

And then just like that, I settled in and napped. Glorious napping. My mind shut down. There were no formulated thoughts. Tendrils of ideas floated through my mind. It was as if I had no worries in the world! I napped hard. I probably snored! I definitely drooled (how sexy am I)! I tried to read a little but the rest my body is so desperately craving overtook anything else. Sleep child. Rest child. This is good. 

I woke up and took in life in between my siestas. Bought a shell necklace. Bantered with other beach vendors. Ate chips, salsa and guacamole brought to me courtesy of a lovely server. Drank a tamarind margarita or two. And exhaled. I know I’ve repeatedly talked about exhaling but it’s true. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath, treading water and trying desperately to keep my head up. This exhale is the culmination of feeling safe. Feeling like I won’t drown if I slow down and stop. It feels right and good and freeing. 

I spent the day on the beach and with the sun beginning to sink into the horizon, I left my chair and thought about supper.

I stopped to drop off my beach towel at the shack where dirty beach towels live. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds was playing and as I walked up a young gentleman and I harmonized as we sang. I threw back my head and laughed with this stranger, exchanging smiles.  I’m that girl. I’m the girl who sings with strangers! Actually, I’ve always been that girl but I haven’t always embraced her.  I dropped off my towel with this beautiful young lady who was also humming along and asked about making supper reservations. She recommended the Italian restaurant. I looked longingly at the outdoor seating area and asked if it was possible to be seated out there. She asked for how many and I said one. When she asked why I was alone and why I was here I simply said that I was widowed and here to celebrate my birthday week. She told me she would radio the restaurant captain and see what she could do. I assured her that anything would be fine and that my gratitude for merely being here captured how I felt. After a conversation with the Captain where Spanish words somersaulted rapidly she worked her magic and told me I would be seated in a prime seating area for my supper. And then she told me to close my eyes. I smiled and complied, not sure what this beautiful soul was planning. Moments later she told me to hold out my hand. I felt a light plop of something into my palm! I opened my eyes and a tiny toy duck was nestled into my hand! The duck, she said, was so I would always be able to ask for a table for two. She asked if my husband was a lady killer and assured me this duck was! The thing is, MFH had bought a rubber duck for our hot tub. The tub is gone but I still have the duck. Seeing the duck, I began to cry… fat, wet tears dripped down my cheeks as I tried to explain what this reservation meant… what the duck meant. All she did was hug me… repeatedly. It’s the beautiful souls that you encounter, the random acts of kindness that make their way back that hits my heart and dents it. All the love I put into the world always makes its way back at some point.

With a reservation secured I went up to my room. Showered. Realized that because I am NOT a bikini top girl I neglected to apply sunscreen to my midriff. It’s now a delightful shade of red! I guess I should’ve consulted with other bikini top girls about the hazards. 

My spirits are high. I have THE perfect dress that I’m going to wear. A simple black sundress that skims my curves, flaunts my figure and makes me look like a goddess! Tonight, I will shine! I put the dress on and gaze at my reflection in the mirror- I truly look amazing!….. wtf. What the actual fuck… what IS that hanging off the hem? Yup - it’s the security fob! It was deactivated but not removed! And because this was the first time I wore the dress I didn’t notice! I pulled the pin, bent it to and fro. No matter what I tried it didn’t come off! Frantic, I changed into sexy harem pants and a top and bolted down to the lobby for my reservation. 

I walked up to the restaurant and when the server asked for how many and I said “one” she asked why. I said I was here alone and my husband has passed. I got the feeling I was going to be saying that a lot this vacation. Instead of the averted eyes and clucks of sympathy she boldly proclaimed “you need a big strong man and I have one for you! My captain “! And just like that this handsome man appeared! He did not wish me a good evening nor did he say hello. He looked at me and simply said “you are beautiful”. 

Now it’s very flattering to be told that but I also know that all kinds of things are said as servers hustle to earn tips from tourists. But this, this felt sincere. Maybe it’s because I felt beautiful in the moment. But I locked eyes with this handsome man and made the decision to believe him. I didn’t dismiss his compliment. I didn’t deflect. I met his gaze, thanked him. 

The meal was splendid. My duck was wonderful company. The captain checked in on me multiple times and complimented my beauty. I knew it to be true tonight. I’m in a good space. Who I am inside and out shone. I was grace and elegance at that meal and I deserved the compliments of a handsome, attentive man! 

I won’t lie, I met the flirts of the Captain with flirts of my own. I will say, however, that I’m surprised I did. I’m both confident and gaining confidence in so many area of my life but flirting is still a struggle for me. Part of it is that I’m not sure how to flirt anymore. Part of it is lack of confidence in my physical appearance. But I’d like to get better at it. I’d like to have confidence to at least be able to return flirtatious glances, compliments. It can be meaningless but fun. Tonight I did just that. Another first for me. It felt good. It felt natural. Maybe because I wasn’t focused on anything but being present in the moment. 

It was the perfect end to the perfect day. I stopped by the bar and got a hibiscus margarita for the room. And when I arrived the first thing I did was work on that damn security tag because I am going to wear that dress…not for the captain or anyone else, but for me. 

I am beautiful not for what I look like but for who I am. Part of my exhale and reset is acknowledging consistently - NOT fleetingly-that beauty means accepting my worth and acknowledging it.  I’m starting to believe I’m beautiful, inside and out.