The Shifting of Grief

 My Favourite Husband’s death didn’t happen to me. It didn’t happen to anyone else.  It happened to him and only him. 

It’s something that took me some time to come to terms with and I didn’t truly learn to shift my perspective until I was further along in my grief. I think I knew it, I think I just couldn’t separate the fact that his death was his and what was mine to own were the repercussions to me of his passing. Owning that thought was the only way I could move forward and start healing.

At the start of my grief I was described as a “survivor” and, considering there were intensely painful blocks of time, I did look at myself that way. I “survived” another day without him. I “survived” making decisions, “survived” just getting up and caring about anything instead of just burrowing myself into my bed and wishing for any other fate than the one I was dealt.

And so yes, I “survived”. And thrived. Because death didn’t happen to me - it happened to him. And since life was the card dealt to me I am determined to live it in the best way possible.

That includes, of course, how I want to walk forward with grief. Honoring the fact that grief will trigger unexpectedly. Knowing that there are no timelines, no start and end markers. I don’t get to mark my grief off as completed..

I’ve learned, over time, that my grief is not always sad. Sometimes, it’s a happy, grateful grief. Gratitude for the memories made. Happiness for a life well lived. Grief can be sharp and painful but it doesn’t have to be. Grief, much like life, can be anything I choose it to be. 

I don’t rush my grief. I sit with it when it wants to talk. Laugh with it. Cry with it. And, whenever someone talks about their grief, I listen with open ears, a compassionate heart and an abundance of grace the way that others have done for me. 

I received a text from a friend last week. This friend was one of MFH closest friends. When he died, MFH and him were rebuilding a classic car. 

When MFH died, my friend let me know that he was going to finish the rebuild for free. I never asked a timeline for the project or rushed the rebuild. My friend (who I keep in constant contact with along with his wife) said in his text message that he felt bad that the rebuild was taking so long. He said he’d go out to the shop, look at the car, ask MFH what he wanted done and, after awhile, leave when he got no answer. He knew I was thinking about selling the completed car and said he’d go ahead and just “put it together”. My reply to him was that perhaps the delay in completion was that when he finished the car that would end the link between the two of them - a finished project. And perhaps the fact that he wasn’t finished working through his grief yet was the reason he wasn’t finishing it. His reply was I was probably right. He thanked me for understanding. Really, what was not to understand…. I completely understand.

There are still some things that I can’t bring myself to do because doing them is one more tie that is cut, another item to be marked as completed, one more severed link between his life and his death. They are small, inconsequential things and I’ll do them when I’m ready. Everything in its own time. For each of us in our own time.

Being left to write the next chapter in my life is what happened to me when MFH died. Grief, grace, gratitude are all mixed together with kindness and love both for myself and others as I discover who I am now. Life can be different but life can still be beautiful.