A Conversation with Future Me

 There’s a trend happening on some of my social media feeds where the writer posts a “conversation” with a younger version of themself. In that conversation, the person they are today tells the person they were decades ago a little bit of how their life would turn out.

I like the idea. What I like more, for me,  is what I would tell the woman I was three and a half years ago about how her life would look like now. It would go something like this….

I walked up to the beautiful, broken woman nursing a cup of coffee at a patio table. Her eyes were red from crying, the worry lines on her face deep. She had picked at her cuticles and the fingers wrapped around her coffee cup were red and raw from the bleeding. She looked lost, unsure of surroundings. Unsure of everything.

“May I join you”? I asked.

She looked puzzled “Do I know you”? she replied.

“ Not yet”, I said. “But you will. I’m you, a few years in the future”.

She sceptically shrugged her shoulders, gestured to the empty chair. “You can sit if you like. I’m really not good company though. And, if you’re really me, you know I probably won’t be, ever again”.

I pulled out the empty chair and sat. Solemnly I gazed into her eyes, fraught with pain. I reached across and gently placed my hand over hers. 

“I know it’s hard to believe right now”, I began, “ but your life will beautiful. Different, but beautiful. You will learn so much about yourself and in the process you will create a life that honours and values who you are.

It won’t be easy. Not at all. You were used to being part of WE. Now, you’re ME. Instead of consulting and making decisions for two, you’ll be making decisions for one. But you’ve been doing that ever since you left the hospital in the wee hours after midnight, the day My Favourite Husband died. 

You are strong. You are resilient. You’ve had to be these past few years for both him and you. You know how to be. You are. One of the biggest things you learned from My Favorite Husband was how to be tough. You taught him soft, he taught you tough. You have that balance and it will serve you well. You are fiercely independent but you also won’t be alone. The family, friends who are family and friends you have in your life love you and that love will be there to support and encourage you. The times when you doubt yourself they will have faith and courage for you. 

You will learn to make friends with your grief. This raw, cutting pain that you have now will subside and leave behind a softer, smoother grief. You’ll understand that grief is not to be hidden but to be celebrated as part of life. Because love and grief clasp hands. 

Mostly, you’ll learn to be grateful for the years you had and not mourn what never can be. That’s what will move you forward. That’s what will make you want to write the next chapter of your story. 

You’re going to have many firsts - walking into a party alone, attending an event alone. You won’t be sure if you should go but you will. Because that curiosity for living and not existing, is part of your light, your energy. And as the years go on you’ll keep exploring events and activities that speak to you, that open up your world. You’ll mourn and celebrate with others but you’re going to discover the incredible woman you are and you’ll not be scared to do anything by yourself. You’ll travel. You’ll become a mermaid, spending a lot of time in swimming pools. You’ll take dance classes and meditation classes …you will be so busy trying new things on your own. You’ll make new friends. And sadly, you’ll let go of some of the friends you’ve known for years. A slow drifting apart. Because, you see, some of the friends you had with MFH the connection was him. And although they enjoy you too, the common link is gone. Life will take you in different directions but leave you with memories that make you smile. 

The flip side, of course, is that you’ll make new friends. Friends that only know and love the you they know now. And those friendships will add color and depth to your life in ways you can only imagine.

The friends that are family though, those people you are holding close right now - well, those bonds are strong. Those roots run deep. Those relationships will be with you for the rest of your life. These are your people. You are so blessed”. 

“You’re going to learn how to advocate and stand up for yourself. You’ve been doing it fiercely for MFH for the last years, now you’ll be doing it for you. Write your will the way you like. Plan your finances the way you like. Find the professionals in your life who want to work with you. You are smart. You have good judgement. Be tough if you need to be. Trust yourself”. 

She listened with both intent and doubt. I, of course, understood. Right now all she was managing to do was put one foot in front of the other and some days that was an effort. Me telling her that her life would be wonderful but so vastly different than her days now was unfathomable. But my purpose was to give her hope for her future when she wasn’t sure there would be any. To give her a reason to keep taking steps forward. 

I looked at her kindly, softly and continued.

“You’re going to fall in love” I said with a raised hand before she could protest, “With yourself”. She exhaled and settled back into her chair. 

“You’re going to take classes and volunteer and figure out what you like and what you don’t. You’re going to finally shake loose the idea that you’re not enough - not good enough- because of many ideas you’ve manufactured and kept close. All of this learning and discovering and growing is what’s going to help you let go once and for any of the negative words you think about yourself. You are going to claim your place as the queen you are and believe it. You will love you.. all of you”.

She smiled a bit at that. 

“And”, I finished, “if you open your heart to it, you might fall in love again. You know love. You had a strong marriage. You know how to navigate the ups and downs of sharing a life with another human being. You will open yourself up to the risk, the possibility. You’ll probably get stung a few times. It’ll hurt. There will be dipshits along the way- serious dipshits. You’ll do dipshit things too.  You might fall into “like” and get hurt but don’t be afraid to try again, IF you want. Take the lessons you learn about yourself from each experience and apply them in the future. As you learn and grow and become the amazing woman you are meant to be, love will happen. Be choosy.  Because the woman you are knows that a romantic relationship is a nice to have not a need to have.

The chapter you will be writing is going to make you proud of who you are. And it’ll make MFH proud of you as well. He’s gonna be cheering you on. You were a kickass wife and you’ll be a badass widow”.

Before I stood up to go I gave her hand a squeeze. The hazel eyes - my hazel eyes- gazed back at me with the slightest glimmer of hope. 

“Will you tell me more about what happens” she asked “about all of these things I’m going to do”?

“I won’t “, I replied. “ you’ll need to discover them for yourself. I will tell you, your life will be bold. It won’t be boring. It will be full of love and gratitude both for what you had and what you will have. And it’s gonna be beautiful! You’ve got this Babe”.

And, with the sauciest of winks, I stood up, turned and left her, knowing she would be more than fine…. She would be amazing.