I'm learning to just Let Them

Let Them. 

The power of common sense — and I just paid $25 to read a book on it. A waste of time and money? Or a good reset of a principle that is basic in nature yet hard to follow in human nature? I pick the latter. 

I’ve just finished reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. I’m not familiar with her work and was introduced to her — and this theory — by a co-worker. Intrigued, I came home from work one day, opened my Kobo, ordered and downloaded the book and dove into the pages. Every few chapters, I’d stop to digest what I’d just read. 

The principle is straightforward: let people do what they want with their lives. Let them make the decisions they make. Once you stop thinking/worrying/trying to control their lives and decisions, you free yourself to focus on yourself. Let Me. 

It’s hard. I want people to be excited about what I’m excited about. I want them to do what I want them to do. I want the best for the people in my life but what I want and what they might want are two different things. I’ve relearned that support doesn’t have to mean what’s best only for them but what’s best for me as well.

And that’s the key. Freeing up the time I spend fretting, analyzing and, yes, overanalyzing and channeling that time into what I want — how and with whom I spend my time. Making decisions for my life. And, quite honestly, holding myself accountable for the decisions people may make concerning me. Changing or not. 

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions and I’m not going to again this year. But I like the idea of shifting my focus on me. I like the idea of doing my best to let go from trying to help others as well as letting go of the hope they might want some of the same things as I do.

I have two examples of the types of changes I’m hoping to make within myself.

First, my 23-year-old roommate. She is an amazing young women: smart, fun, a quick learner. I think the sky is the limit for her. And yet she doesn’t choose to explore the opportunities that might make use of her skills. She chooses, instead, to focus working at a job she’s comfortable in, somewhere where the opportunity for advancement is limited. 

When she first moved in, I listened to what she was potentially interested in doing and offered suggestions on how to both apply and get information on those careers. It might’ve been OK but I pushed it a little further. I gave her deadlines. Yup, deadlines. Deadlines to explore schooling requirements. Deadlines to interview people working in the industry. In addition, she’s in a bit of a debt situation and I gave her timelines to get out of that as well. Did I jump into something that was none of my business? Yup, with both feet! The best of intentions but not my business. She claimed she liked the deadlines; that they gave her structure. But she was in no hurry to meet those deadlines. And because she wasn’t, they lapsed. When they did, I became frustrated. Over something that’s not my business. 

It took me a bit to back off. To say to myself: "his is not on me." To let go. The reality is her life is not my life. Her choices for her life are not my choices for her life. And trying to give the wisdom of my years and her doing her own thing it only frustrated me and I cannot live with the frustration anymore. I have my own shit to deal with. 

I backed off long before I read the book. But after reading it, speaking about the theory out loud and talking to her about it, I apologized for what I’d done. I told her I’d read this book and asked if she’d heard about it. She said she had but her summation, while totally valid and with merit, didn’t quite capture the theory (“If someone has an opinion about your life and you don’t like it or they try to tell you what to do, just tell them to fuck off.”) After a course correction, I explained I’d be giving her love and support — always — but it was up to her to figure out her own life. And she would. And I would be exhaling and focusing simply on mine. 

The second situation where I need to step back, accept the decision of another person and decide what I want for me is regarding how I want some of my friendships to look. I’m a person who craves physical connection in addition to calls and texts. I want to see a smile. I want to look into eyes that can’t turn away from mine when I ask, “Are you really OK?" FaceTime and video chats are a good substitute when in person can’t happen but, for me, spending time together reinforces my connection. 

I’m fully aware it’s not always possible for an in-person meeting all the time. But long absences do not make my heart grow fonder. Long absences make my heart grow distant. 

It takes two, however, to make a relationship. And if the two people have different concepts on how that relationship should look, then a balance needs to be found. Or an expectation reset. 

I’ve recently had to come to terms with a very good friend and I not connecting in person as much as I’d like. I will own my part in it. There was a time when we did a lot together. But I slowly started feeling anxious in crowds and many times we did things as a group. So I’d back out last minute. I never thought it was a problem because many more people were invited. But it was. And she called me on it. 

I reflected and apologized and vowed to do better. And I have. But my friend has, for the most part, stopped inviting me places. That’s her prerogative but I’ll admit it stings. It came to a head, for me, when she recently mentioned getting together for a meal with friends for an early birthday celebration. I wasn’t invited. When I asked about getting together on her following days off, she’s booked. The conversation was left to: “We will figure something out.” We might. We might not. What it will come down to is a desire to find a date that works. 

So I’ve needed to work through it. Let Her. Let Her make the best decisions for her even if that means leaving me out. Let Her craft different relationships for what life is giving her right now. Let Me acknowledge that the friendship is different. Let Me stop worrying about what I need and appreciate it for what it is even if it isn’t what I want. Let Me let go of old expectations and cultivate what works for me now. 

Letting go doesn’t mean cutting off. It simply means acknowledging a shift; respecting what our friendship looks like now.

Truthfully, there are several relationships where in-person connections matter to both of us and those are the bonds I find are stronger. That’s where I’m choosing to invest my time and energy. As for the other relationships, I will love, support and respect them but, as time passes, the priority of them in my life just isn’t the same. 

Honestly, if I gave it some thought, I’ll admit that none of the theory is new. Some of it I’ve been doing. Some of it I should’ve been doing. What it comes down to it is letting me make the best choices for me and letting them — others — make the best decisions for them. If I do, I’m pretty sure my life will have the peace I’m looking for.