Christmas lesson: let every day be filled with love and magic

It was a holiday season unlike no other.  For the first time in the three years since My Favourite Husband (MFH) died and some of the years before, I felt the magic that happens when I say yes to the holiday season. 

I’ve tried to encourage myself to participate in things the past few years. My heart wasn’t in it, though, and so I ended up either going and wishing I was at home or bowing out. There have moments — especially these past couple of years — that made me smile, laugh and celebrate but, for the most part, I've nestled into the comfort of being alone. Not always sad, just not celebratory.

If you asked me what’s different this year I think it’s a few things.

I’ve picked up a part-time seasonal job that’s kept me occupied. It’s my foray into the retail world and, between learning new things, there wasn’t time to spend hours dwelling on past memories. There were absolute moments of reflection throughout each day but the memories seemed to be attached to new happy moments, a gentle weaving of past and present. 

Because I’ve been busy at work, I’ve balanced out my play time, making a concerted effort to have fun. What I did wasn’t forced, though. The people I spent time with and the events I attended were things that I want to be doing with the people I wanted to be doing them with. The planning was gentle, sometimes last minute. The events were fun and low-key, much like I am. Nothing was frantic or chaotic. It was, in short, a beautiful time of year. 

I took a couple of dance workshops: Juicy Hips bellydance and Santa Baby Twerkshop. I kept up my pool workouts, both as a stress release and because it just feels good to move. I went out for breakfasts and lunches, suppers and dive bar beers and appies. I connected and reflected.

I went to a good-sized Christmas party where I saw people I haven’t seen in years. The dancing, the food, the drinks … the love. The laughter that rang out from every corner of the room. The party was in a private lounge on the 30th floor of a downtown luxury apartment residence and the incredible views of the downtown core only added to the magical atmosphere. For me, it was a big step. I committed to going and I went. I didn’t let the size of the crowd intimidate me and have me backing out. I’m glad I did. 

Luminaria was the event that kickstarted my holiday season. It was a perfect winter evening walk at night in the candlelit Japanese section of a beautiful botanical garden. The paths crunched with snow beneath our steps as two close friends and I strolled, apple cider in hand, in a true winter wonderland. It was brisk but not enough to deter us from exploring. My favourite part was a path called Memory Lane. For a donation, you received a white paper bag with a lit candle on a wooden holder. The bagged candle could be placed in the snow anywhere along the path. I found a spot that I liked, made a small hole with my boot and set my candle inside. I took a few minutes to have a chat with MFH. As I looked up at the moon, my heart full of love for a man who I spent almost half my life with, I whispered everything I was feeling, grateful for life then and life now.

An indoor Christmas light display, called Glow!, was something I attended with one of my heart sisters. Beautiful Christmas lights, displays, photo ops. A small craft market, food trucks. We walked through slowly, taking our time, embracing the magic of it all. Our time together is always special and that we got to have time for a few hours catching up on life with each other is one of the best Christmas gifts I could ever receive.

The Nutcracker burlesque.

Many, many years ago, I took two of my nieces (who were very small at the time) to a ballet performance of The Nutcracker. The grace and elegance of the dancers were beautiful to watch. This year, I attended The Nutcracker with a twist — a performance of The Nutcracker burlesque. These dancers were equally as elegant and graceful, the performance a blend of fun and frivolity but with a serious underlaying message: love people for who they are. Accept people for who they are. My love of burlesque started before I took classes but those classes rooted in me a confidence in myself that I’ve been building on for years. I purposely choose dance that preaches the message loud and clear: you’re beautiful just the way you are. 

This version of The Nutcracker wasn’t silent like the traditional ballet; instead done with dialogue and dance. And each part of the journey was about giving yourself the gift of self-love. 

I spent Christmas Eve with MFH family. Good food, lots of laughter, the comfort and joy that comes from being part of a family for such a long time. Christmas Day, I spent with my Mom and my youngest brother and his family. Lots more food, lots more laughs, lots more love. 

All of this made this holiday season one that gave me peace… comfort.

I still didn’t decorate my home and I’m not sure if I will again. That, I’ll play year by year. I didn’t listen to Christmas music outside of work except for Christmas Day. I went out and found the Christmas magic and kept it inside of me. I’m OK with Christmas displays and lights and the decorating that goes on but I found that I needed to have a place to come to — home! — when I

I needed to set the season aside. 

There’s so much to be thankful for. So much to celebrate. But I’m also reminded that this celebration and gratitude should be a year-round practice. All of the positive vibes, the good energy, the love can and should remain for every other day of the year.

It’s a promise to myself: let every day be filled with love and magic.