Happy together but happy alone, too

Is there such a thing as being too independent? Existing in a place where I’m so comfortable in my own company that, when making plans, I choose to be own date most of the time? Have I reached a place in this chapter of my life where I’m dangerously close to not needing people even though I do enjoy interacting with them? Am I too independent?

In a recent conversation with a heart sister (HS), she told me about a getaway that she had planned with another friend. The other friend needed to cancel due to a large household repair. When my HS told me she wasn’t going, I said to her, “Why? You can still go.” Her response to me was, “I’m not like you. I don’t do things alone. I need an entourage."

That response puzzled me a lot. It was Palm Springs that was the destination, somewhere I consider to be safe, especially for solo travel. My HS is strong. She’s independent. She’s been separated for many years and has determinedly shaped her life to be how she wants it. She’s bought and paid for her own home. Saved money. Plots her days off and spare time to do what she wants to do with whomever she invites. She won’t date because living her life her way is what brings her joy. She’s brave, courageous and a kickass warrior. I love her more than words can say but, sometimes, I don’t understand her. 

Her concept of independence and mine are foreign to one other. 

She won’t travel solo. Will not attend most activities locally alone. Is she scared? Not really. It’s just that being surrounded by people recharges her battery. I don’t get that.

I’m a different kind of independent. My HS chose to fly solo but singleness was no choice of mine. She had an idea of what she was getting into by leaving her marriage. I was unprepared by my widowhood so I floundered. She knows the life she wants to lead while I don’t know if I want to wear black or white lingerie on any given day. 

But even though she had an idea of what she wanted and I initially did not, I caught on quickly. It was just me and, however I wanted my life to look, it started and ended with me.

I choose differently. I enjoy people but to a degree. Spending time with people doesn’t recharge me. If it’s people I genuinely love, it doesn’t drain me but what does drain me is trying to coordinate schedules and days off and places and times of events for a group of people. That drains me. A lot. As a rule, I’m good one on one but, if there’s more than one other person, even if I like that person, I’m less interested. I go to parties and girls nights and I have a blast but, as a rule, it’s not something I choose to do all the time. So you’ll find me with one other person.

Or alone. Most of the time I choose alone. 

I’ve travelled alone. Was I scared when I landed in Paris and had to figure out what I wanted to see and do and arrange transportation on my own. Hell, yes. But not only did I do it, I enjoyed it. I’ve attended concerts alone, classes alone. A sound bath and yoga experiences alone. I went  speed dating alone. I have done and seen so much by myself and I’m comfortable exploring the world that way. Maybe too comfortable. 

And that baffles my HS. She admires me for it. Loves and respects me for it. But doesn’t understand me. 

She understands when I want to nest and, although spending time alone at home was foreign to her not long ago, she’s come around to the idea for herself. 

After her comment about needing an entourage and the “I’m not like you” part of it, we had a follow-up conversation. I asked her if she thought I did too much on my own. If she thought I’d reached a place where I was shutting people out. She paused before she answered, “I don’t think so. You do a lot alone but you still enjoy doing things with other people."

I’ve had some time to think about this. I have two events coming up within a week, both of which I chose to attend alone. Both of which I could’ve asked someone to come with me but didn’t because I wanted to be able to fully enjoy the experience myself. It made me cringe a little that I didn’t even think about inviting another person; that the date I asked was me. 

But there are other events coming up where I will be in a small group or attending with another person. Events that I’m also looking forward to.

It’s not cause for overthinking but it is cause and pause for reflection. The balance that each of us strives for, how we define independence for ourselves, how unique it is. What we look at in others and call it brave, fearless, strong and independent.

For myself, I think I’ve found the right independent. A combination of solo and people. Of knowing that I want to experience life fully on my own but I also want to share it with the ones who matter.

It’s a work in progress but I love where I’m going.