Stories of three women of courage, putting themselves first

After My Favourite Husband (MFH) died and I needed to define how I was going to live my life moving forward, many of the choices I made had people describing me as brave, strong and  inspirational. I’ve never seen myself in that light in any way. I see myself as a woman whose choice came down to this: carve a new path and move forward or stay stagnant, not living, just existing.

It’s not easy to pick the option to forge ahead. It’s not comfortable. It’s not safe. And I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I can say that I own it, completely. The good, the bad and the ugly. Being widowed was never a choice but choosing “me” and how I want to live my life. 

Choosing yourself in any situation is powerful. And scary. The truth is you’re gonna piss off some people because you’re shifting you’re focus from them to you. I’ve gone through it being a widow. There are people who have and still do think I should act, think, present in ways they think I should. But I only have this life and I need to live it truthfully. Authentically. 

Currently, there are three women who are very close to my heart who are choosing themselves. Putting themselves first. They are women who’ve looked deeply at situations in their lives and said, “I’m not going to live this way anymore. I’m done. I’m choosing me."

The first woman is a sister-in-law (SIL). We have always gotten along but we became even closer when MFH died. She was my rock in the initial days and, as the years passed, we became close friends and family. She’s smart and funny, caring and kind. A mom to two beautiful adult children. A wife … no, wait. No longer a wife. You see, my SIL recently extracted herself from a marriage that no longer works for her. Her story is hers to share but, after multiple situations through their decades of marriage, she decided to claim her life. To live on her terms. 

She made bold, decisive steps. She was thoughtful and deliberate. She was fair and honest. And, most importantly, she was firm. She chose not to settle for a partnership that was not equal. She looked in the mirror and the reflection that gazed back said, “If not now, then when?" This incredible woman — who’s spent years bringing joy, happiness to others — made the courageous decision to bring joy, happiness and peace to herself. 

Something many people don’t choose to acknowledge is that often, especially in long marriages, you aren’t the same people who entered into the union. Life happens. You grow and shift but, if you don’t grow and shift together, you grow and shift apart. Her husband didn’t change. She did. 

When she told me her decision, I flooded with happiness. With pride at her courage. Oh, I knew her road isn’t going to be easy. But she has the love and support of so many. I don’t understand the courage it takes to leave behind a faltering marriage but I can completely understand the courage it takes to choose yourself. To carve a new path. I can understand the uncertainty of what to do next mixed together with knowing that leaving was the right thing.

My SIL will be fine. She will be more than fine. She will bloom. She will shine. She will continue to bring happiness to those in her world, even moreso now. Why? Because she will be truly happy with herself and that will radiate out. I’m seeing it already and I’m cheering her on every step of the way. 

The next amazing lady who’s putting herself first is a heart sister — the one in my second home, Portugal. This incredible lady believes in family first. One of her love languages is through words and deeds that are thoughtful, kind, loving. When I was writing my Polarsteps travel blog, she would post inspirational travel quotes that I held close to me — her way of saying she was making the journey right beside me. 

This woman would do anything for anyone. But sometimes her kind, caring nature gets taken advantage of by people who don’t have a similar heart. She has a niece whose actions are often self-centred. She takes more than she gives. Her niece was recently visiting relatives in Canada and, although initially agreeing to bring home to Portugal a few small items for my heart sister, she changed her mind and left the items for others to arrange to ship. My heart sister is caring for her dog while she’s gone. And the niece also wants to be picked up from the airport upon her return. 

My heart sister was a mix of emotions at the situation: anger and sadness. And guilt as it’s me who sent the items to another city for pickup and me who will arrange shipping to Portugal. This niece, though, has taken advantage of many kind and thoughtful actions of my heart sister and brother-in-law over the years. But this is the final straw. I've messaged and video chatted with my beautiful heart sister and she’s told me of the hard decision she’s made — the choice to put herself first. To stand up for herself and not accept the disrespectful behaviour of a person who takes constant advantage of her. It’s so hard for her to disconnect; to say “I will not accept your behaviour any longer." She’s choosing to have a cordial but not close family relationship. 

I can see how hurt she is now but I’ve heard the hurt in her voice for years. This is a different hurt, though. This time the hurt has a finality to it. The loving, giving aunt still loves but no longer gives. She’s chosen not to be one of the stepping stones on a pathway. She’s chosen kindness in a different manner — kindness that comes from knowing her own worth. I’ve cheered her on as she’s made her decision and I’ll continue to cheer her on as she takes steps that continue to put her first. 

The third woman of courage is a close friend. Her family lives in a different province, about a four-hour flight away. Her mom is in declining health. That would be hard enough; however, the relationship my beautiful friend has with her has always been a rocky one. The dynamics of that kind of relationship are hard enough when everyone is healthy and wits can spar equally. That is not longer the case. My friend flew home to see her mother after a call from a sibling advising that her mom might be dying imminently. Her visit confirmed the situation was dire. That brought up different emotions: guilt, remorse, sadness. But also a recognition that their relationship was a two-way street , created equally by their individual actions. 

Many years ago, when my friend moved out West, it shifted the family dynamics. She chose to live away; live life on her terms. She came home when she wanted, asked for nothing and showed she could be successful. Coming home, though, you always revert back to a child in the eyes of a parent and an older sibling. It takes strength to go home and face that. It takes courage to say, “I'm good where I am." And it takes guts out yourself first in the face of a situation that means the end of a relationship with a parent is imminent. 

Brave, inspirational and courageous mean many things to many people. We pick out those qualities in someone by hearing their stories and their reactions to situations. We challenge ourselves to act and react in similar ways because we think, “I could never do that but if they can maybe, just maybe, I can too." 

When I think about these three women of my heart are going through, I see their strength. I see their courage. And I’m inspired to cheer them on as they find their own ways forward.