You can't force friendship

Huh. That was weird.

What’s weird? Well-intentioned people who pop out of left field with what I can only describe as, well, weirdness.

My life is full to the brim. I’m busy enjoying the life I’m building while continuing to build a life I enjoy. Unlike the start of my widowhood journey where I forced myself to be busy to break the bar of grief, this busyness is created out of love for things I genuinely want to participate in. Built into this, as well, is at home busyness. Time to relax, time to stay put and do things … or not. I recognize and respect my downtime and the break it gives me to relax, recover and reset.

A large part of my busyness both at home and away is my circle of friends. I have a large circle of acquaintances but a smaller, tighter circle of friends. My friends and I differ in many ways and come from different backgrounds but the main things that bind us together are our core principles: kindness, compassion, sense of humour, smarts. Our similar approach to life means we are tight because of our difference, not in spite of them. My circle and I have met in different ways at different times and our friendship evolved naturally. It was never forced.

Which is why this well-intentioned but weird message not only caught me offguard but raised my hackles a bit.

The start of it went like this :

"We have to talk. I think [husband] and I have found you a partner in crime. Funny, very outgoing, loves to travel and also is by herself. She does remind us of you ... Lol."

As I read the first line, I grinned and thought “Oh, how nice! They have a boy in mind for me."

But as I read the second line and confusion set in, I thought: “What?” And thus started a conversation from the husband of an acquaintance on how I should be friends with a woman based on perceived personality traits and supposed common interests. Oh, and the fact that we are both single.

He went on to say how she lives not far from me and ...

“She would probably love to do the things you do. She likes to get out and she also is flying alone. 😊😊”

My response to all of this was to politely decline any of it and all of it. I’m an extroverted introvert which means I have no problems making friends. Having said that, I’m also at the age where I have all the friends I could want. My time and effort goes into maintaining my existing friendships and I love the people in my life. LOVE THEM. I explained this to the man who suggested this. I said even if I met a man who I’d like to date, I’d be hard pressed to find time to commit to dating him. 

And then, because I needed to have some fun, I presented a list of things I find attractive in a man and told him I would make a deal with him: if he found me a man who fit my list to go on a date with, I’d meet the woman in question for a girls coffee date. 

I highly expect there will be no male date and no girls coffee date. I’m not budging on this one. 

Here’s my deal - you can’t force a friendship. You can’t know two people and say that they should be friends. If you think a possibility for friendship exists, then host a gathering and make sure the people you’d like to meet each other attend. It’s the same as inviting two people you think might be compatible romantically: you have a gathering where there’s an opportunity for connection and let a conversation flow. Or not.

 

But you never dictate or force friendship. It just doesn’t work that way.

I do, from a distance, understand what the goal was even though the conversation to achieve it was made in a clumsy fashion. And I was completely honest when I said I didn’t have room in my life for a potential friendship. It’s not fair to either person. But I never rule out a connection.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens in the next while. I didn’t suggest a gathering to this man for people to connect but, if I get an invitation to one, there may be a date and an acquaintance both waiting to meet me there.