I've been thinking about my own manifest destiny

In a recent conversation with a heart sister, we talked about manifesting what we want in our lives; envisioning where we want to be, what we want to be doing, the shapes of our lives. What experiences we are open to and what we are not and how that changes as we change through the years.

She told me how she had manifested the condo she purchased a few years ago, the space she calls home. She’s talked about manifesting communication — and lack of communication — with the people in her life. She’s manifesting what her life will look like in a few short years when her home is paid for: the travel she will be doing, the vehicle she wants to be driving. Hard work is key but manifestation — speaking your goals, wants, desires into the universe — solidifies them and creates a path for that hard work to follow. 

We also talked about being careful what you manifest because when you get what you want, it might look differently up close. And while there’s grace and gratitude for the manifestation, the actual gift is the lessons you get taught about yourself. The learning. And that learning, that gift, is what gets you what you actually want and need, even if you don’t know it at the time.

Confusing? Yup. We talked specifically about dating and relationships. My sister has been separated from her husband for many years. She’s had one dating experience and it was a reluctant one. They were friends and he wanted to try dating. She wasn’t initially convinced but agreed to try it. They didn’t date for a long time but what she learned about herself is that being single gives her the ability to live her life the way she wants to — independently, answering only to herself. Her time is hers alone and she is able to plan her life on her terms. Will that change with time? Perhaps. She hasn’t closed the door on relationships by any means but the list of what it would take to consider manifesting her life in a different way to include a partner is long. She loves the freedom and flexibility that being single gives her. 

The conversation turned to me. My abysmal dating attempt. My apathetic dating app foray. 

I, too, had manifested those encounters into my life. Those, along with another casual encounter, have taught me lessons. The encounters themselves were fun, rich with experiences  where I learned a lot about the men I experienced them with. Each one was unique and I learned much about my partner. I learned more, however, about myself. 

I learned that I overcommunicate when I’m in a situation where I’m receiving no communication. I panic and then I respond based on getting no response. Essentially, I give away power and control to the other person. They know my thoughts and feelings while I know none of theirs. While it’s not a game — I hate games — any type of relationship is only successful when the people in it share together. I need to learn to communicate to the extent I’m being communicated with. 

I’ve learned to keep my heart closed to an extent. Not everyone is deserving of a place in it. I give too freely.

I’ve learned that impossible relationships are not healthy for me. Situations where healing from past traumas hasn’t occurred or situations where, for different reasons, there is not a future may work for some people but not for me. I’ve learned I’m old-fashioned in that way. There’s a fissure in my heart that holds the slightest bit of hope that I may experience a “happily ever after… again” so involving myself in situations where that’s not a possibility is wrong for me.

I’m not perfect. But, oh, how I’ve learned from these experiences. I’ve learned and hopefully will not repeat the the lessons I've been taught. 

Knowing all of this, what does manifestation now look like to me regarding relationships? I told my sister that I’m happy being single. That I’m good where I am. That I don’t, honestly, have room in my life for a romantic partner. My list is long but not unreasonable: be a good person, don’t be an arse. I told her I don’t feel the need for romance although I won’t shut the doors on it. 

But where I manifested the other experiences — wanted them to happen, could see them happening, assisted in facilitating them to happen — it’s not what I see when I look forward now. I see me travelling solo, maybe because I have. If I think hard about it, I see myself at events with friends or solo. Right now I cannot manifest a romantic experience because I cannot picture a man by my side. I cannot see my hand clasped in another, a pull into arms, a kiss on my forehead. For me, to be able to manifest it I need to be able to at least see the shadow, the outline, of a partner. I don’t. It’s just me.

So, in this chapter of my life, I’ll manifest the way my life will look without a romantic partner. I’ll envision my life and speak words of love into the universe not for the role of the other half to be filled by a man but to be filled by me.