What are your thoughts on priorities, obligations and boundaries?

 

I’d like to start off this post by doing something that I’ve never done before: asking for your comments. I’d like to hear your thoughts and gather your opinions and feedback. On what, you might ask? On this:

If you are single — widowed, divorced, without a partner — are you a priority in anyone’s life? Do you make anyone a priority in yours? Do you make yourself a priority? If you do, how did you do it? Maintain it? 

I thought I was done writing about not being a priority but my conversations with different friends have only increased my thirst for different viewpoints. 

I’ve had conversations with married friends who’ve identified their partner as being their priority and vice versa. I’ve had conversations with friends who have adult children with families of their own who’ve said that if their partner dies, they will not be their children’s priority and nor should they be. Once we start the conversation, so many ah-ha moments happen. So many moments when my friends realize — and then speak the words — I better learn how to make myself my priority.

I think if I had done that — even when My Favourite Husband (MFH) was alive — I would’ve been an even better wife. I think if I had put my needs as a priority, I wouldn’t have been worn out, run down and, well, lost, when he died. Yes, being a caregiver means putting most time and effort into the care of a loved one but I left no time for me. And maybe that’s why I’ve been floundering with that aspect of my new life. I am a nurturer. I want to make someone a priority in a way only a partner can. But friends are not substitutes. While I matter — in some cases, deeply — to them and their lives, it’s just not the same.

Today I met up with an amazing woman who I’m blessed to call a friend. I don’t get to see her in person a lot but, when we do, the time passes far too quickly. We talked about many, many things but I introduced her to my own lightbulb moment. She loved it and especially loved it when I said I needed to make myself a priority. But she’s a super smart cookie because she threw it right back to me: “What are you going to do to make that happen?" 

A few days ago I might’ve be stymied by the question but I have given it some thought and identified a few things.

Unless it’s an emergency, I do not need to respond to messages (text, messenger, email) the moment I get them. It’s perfectly fine to respond when I have the time to ponder then craft a response. The flipside is, of course, I need to be fine with people not answering me immediately but when it works for them. 

Secondly, it’s fine to throw the communication outreach ball into a friend's court. My reality is that I’m alone so my time and schedule is totally dependent on me. For friends in similar situations, the communication happens whenever one of us randomly reaches out. But for my friends with partners and children, it’s a different story. The demands on their time are by multiple people. In the past, I’ve reached out to chat but it might’ve been at a time not convenient for them. By putting the ball in their court, they can reach out when they have time and there’s no pressure to respond. We can figure out a time, together, to catch up that works for both but primarily for them. I’m not making them responsible for the friendship but respecting their priorities. They can control the frequency and the length of chat time and the conversation will not feel rushed. How does this make me a priority for myself? I won’t feel like an obligation. I’ll feel like the reach out is respectful to me as well with a designated conversation. Respect by both parties.

Thirdly, I have too much spare time at times. I am semi-retired and work part time. I go to the pool and see my friends but I still have time that I can fill. How do I want to fill it? What hobbies am I interested in trying? Volunteer work? Instead of relying on being intertwined in my friends lives on an active basis, I need — and want — to pull back and keep discovering who I am.

Answering her questions, though, dug deeper into other aspects. Priorities became the topic of obligations. Who am I obligated to? Is an obligation different than a priority? Can a person be both? Only one? What priority does a person I feel an obligation to have? I’ll be writing about obligations next post.

Priorities. Obligations. They brought up the last part of this trifecta — boundaries. Because regardless of people priorities, people obligations, people who matter deeply ... what are my boundaries? Are they different with different people? Do I have boundaries? Sadly, not that many. Why do I not set many boundaries, healthy boundaries, that revolve around my self care, what I want in my life? How I want to shape my life? How to put me first?

It was a deep conversation with more questions than answers. But it was also filled with lots and lots of love and laughter. The way I would like my life to look like doesn’t all have to be decided immediately. It’s a work in progress, something that will shift with my relationships now and in the future.

I like it, though. I like where this is taking me. I’m excited to see where it leads. And I’d really, really love to hear your thoughts about how it’s happening in your lives.