Lessons to learn for this people-pleasing 'yes' girl

Holy cannoli, I’m on a writing roll. That’s what happens when the train leaves the station loaded up with thoughts … that, and the ice cream treat I’m still eating from a few days ago.

This will be a short post. Boundaries. I don’t have many and I’m a master at unknowingly violating some. It’s not that I’m disrespectful intentionally. But, with friends only, I get so excited about talking with them and sharing with them that sometimes, even after the conversation is done, I’ll reach out and go, “Oh and one more thing." With acquaintances and strangers, I’m very cognizant of boundaries and rarely breach them, intentionally or unintentionally. But my exuberance with the people I love sometimes has me carried away with love but it still can be annoying.

Ok, enough about that. Knowing it, what can I do to curb it? For starters, train myself to stop for a beat and go “does this need to be shared right now?" Or, like the old days of rotary phones, can this be put to the side and shared with other news later today? This week? Just because we live in a world where we can communicate instantly doesn’t mean we always should. Also, coming back to the priorities post, being aware that since I’m no one’s priority doesn’t mean that I can forget my friends do have priorities. Respect their boundaries. Respect their time: what they can give, when they can give it and the fact that they don’t always have time to get drawn back into a conversation that just ended. Respect they are making themselves a priority. 

I think I’m pretty good at respecting the boundaries that others have and I know where I can do better. But what about me? How do I — a woman whose vocabulary includes phrases such as “oh, it’s OK,” “ No problem, let me just juggle a few things and I can help,” “ Yes I’m tired but it’s fine,” — start saying no? How do I learn to step back, assess what’s being asked and how I feel about it and make a decision that’s right for me?

Because ultimately that’s the only boundary I need to have: is this right for me? Getting there, do I have the time, the energy, the desire to help/attend/do what’s being requested all boils down to that. Is this right for me? 

I’m kind of in love with the simplicity of it. You might say “nothing’s that simple” but isn’t it? If I reflect back on the hardest things I’ve been asked or challenged to do and the easiest requests they all have that in common: Is it right for me? Because, if it’s not, there are options to every situation. Some less palatable, but options nonetheless. Something else to keep in mind, situations change, flux if you will. So if something started out as a “yes” for me and now is a “no, it’s not right for me any longer," it’s perfectly fine to extract myself from the situation.

That’s my boundary. That’s my goal. Will this be easy? Hell, no. This people-pleasing yes girl will struggle with this a lot. The key, for me, though is not to beat myself up if I say yes to something I really should’ve said no to. Lesson taught, lesson learned,

Please share your experiences with boundaries. I’d love to hear them. Wish me luck as I stride and stumble with this. And please wish me luck that I finish eating this ice cream treat before the end of the week.