I'm not the top priority in anyone's life ... and that hurts

More than anything I’ve been doing this week to give my heart both peace and perspective, nothing has hit home like the epiphany that I had yesterday. Having said that, my realization also hurt — a lot.

This is not a pity post. This is not a whoa-is-me post. I’m not writing this with any emotion. I have only determination and realization. This post is about a wakeup call and the understanding that I’m going to have to look at things in my life a bit differently going forward. 

Are you ready?

I am not the top priority in anyone’s life. 

When My Favourite Husband MFH) died, I no longer was someone’s first good morning or their last good night. I was no longer the first call to celebrate or the first call to commiserate. I was no longer an “I love you” the way only a partner can say it. I no longer meant or mean anything to anyone the way a partner means something in every sense of the word. The only person I am a priority to is myself. It stings. It hurts. And it’s fucking lonely. But it’s also true. 

You might wonder how I could miss that; how I could not know that. And I did. But in my attempt to connect and be part of the lives of my friends, I might have inserted myself a little too much. I might have had expectations that were unrealistic to both my friends and family. Unrealistic to me. I have put other people first, expecting they put me first. It doesn’t work that way. It can’t work that way. Although I know I matter to the people closest to me — I matter a lot — the reality is that they have families and lives of their own. Priorities of their own. 

I’m not sure I did it knowingly. But, in hindsight, I very much did it. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. But realizing it, acknowledging it and accepting it, I can change. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are, going forward, there won’t be any excuses. Now that I’m consciously aware of “trying too hard” in some cases and with some friends, I will pull back and let things flow where they will. 

This especially hit home for me this past week. I sent my friend, The Editor, my first attempt at writing a short story. I had laboured over it for a bit, reworking it to a point where I felt comfortable sharing it with him. He’s the only person I wanted to share it with because I trust his judgment and value his opinion. I emailed him the story last Sunday and had asked for his feedback. Was it good? Trash? What was OK and what needed changing. 

I really wanted him to read it as soon as humanly possible because I wanted to know what he thought. The week rolled by and he hasn’t read it. And, in frustration, I said he didn’t need to read it. I’d send it off to some other friends for reactions. In essence, I threatened/coerced/guilt tripped him into reading it. Didn’t work. But here’s the kicker. He has a wife, teenage boys and works full-time. And I expected he’d be as excited to read my story as I was to write it and immediately drop everything to immerse himself in it. 

Unreasonable expectations? Absolutely. I am not his priority. Not now, not ever. And I had no right to expect to be so. My feelings of disappointment really are not justified. He has every right to prioritize his time doing what he wants with who he wants. He committed to reading it. I need to be good with that. 

Something else that made me realize I’m not a priority was my ask to mark MFH deathiversary with a random act of kindness. Who am I to ask people to remember MFH how I want them to remember him instead of reflecting on their own? If I’m going to make my grief personal, I should allow everyone else the grace to do the same. I should not make his deathiversary a priority for others when it’s a priority to me. 

I talk all the time about how I am living my life the way I want, being a widow the way I want. And I am. I’m learning, each and every day. But this lesson I needed to learn, the lesson to loosen my grip on people, to not have so many expectations — of having undiscussed expectations — of making people a priority when they don’t/shouldn’t/can’t make me one is humbling. The only person I need to “try too hard with” is me. 

The only person I should be making a priority is me. The only person I should have expectations from is myself. The people who are meant to be travelling my life with me — well, we will set expectations together, expectations that work for all of us.

In the meantime, I just need to focus and refocus on me.