Communication: it's two-way or no way

Recently, I wrote posts about making myself a priority and setting boundaries. Truthfully, while I know what the words mean, I wasn’t sure how to start. It sounds so simple but, at my age, I feel like it’s something I should’ve mastered by now. Baby steps. 

In the past few weeks, I’ve committed to events that i really wanted to do with people I wanted to spend my time with. I’ve had a coffee date at home, a supper date at a local brewery, an all-day visit that was supposed to include “squirrel proofing” a shed (but a thunderstorm that included lightning was not a great recipe for working in that metal shed). 

I went out to the drag racetrack (I’ll go into more detail in another post). I’ve committed — and am excited for — a couple of events I’m attending: a play festival and a symphony performance. As well, this water baby has tried two new land-based stretching classes, is considering a tantric connecting event and has applied to be part of a local social group for singles over 30. Whew! 

When I look back on how I’ve spent my time, I realize that the two principles I’ve wanted to put into play — making myself a priority and asking myself “is this right for me?” — have worked in everything I’ve done. Making myself a priority — doing things I want to do with people who are important to me — and choosing events and activities that I’m excited to do means I’ve not only enjoyed my days and nights but had no regrets about how I’ve spent my time. 

The days I have no commitments, I’m choosing to spend exactly the way I want. I had one day where I listened to podcasts and napped intermittently in the sun. I felt no guilt spending a day like that; relaxing and recharging. I didn’t answer my text messages. I didn’t answer my Messenger messages. I mean, I did — but not until the next day when I plugged back into my world of electronic communication. Guess what? The world didn’t end. Nothing was urgent so my inbox for everything waited. It felt good. Other days, I’ve spent sorting out overdue projects: office cleaning, gardening. Sometimes listening to music, sometimes to the silence. Regardless of what I choose, listening to myself and what I need.

The other big change that I’m slowly starting to make regarding priorities and boundaries is to throw back the communication ball into certain people’s corners. I found I was reaching out more to connect with certain people than they were with me and I’m just not there anymore. I’ve heard all kinds of reasons and all kinds of excuses but, ultimately, if I’m important to you, you’ll reach out, make the time to connect and we will keep the relationship alive. It doesn’t take much time to once in awhile say, “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile. I miss you. When can we chat?" One of my heart sisters is really good at doing this. We had a long conversation about it recently. She makes a continual effort until, well, she doesn’t. She gives multiple chances for reciprocity but, if it doesn’t happen, she leaves with peace in her heart. She doesn’t close the door but she no longer initiates the effort. That speaks to me. A lot. 

The only exception I’ve made to this is with my Mom. I’m always calling or texting first. And I’m getting tired of it. The last time I had seen her was a couple weeks ago when I took her to a few medical appointments. After I dropped her off, I thought she’d call me a day or two later and give me a results update. She did not. I waited a week to hear from her and finally I broke down and called. (Did I know she was alright? I sure did — she is in touch with one of my brothers who lives close to her and they keep in touch). When my Mom answered my call, she said it was nice to hear from me. I told her that she could’ve called and asked why she didn’t. She muttered an excuse: “You’re always so busy." I am busy. I’ve built a life that’s busy. But I will always have time for her. Always. I patiently explained this to her without using the other WTF in any parts of the conversation. I have voicemail. I have text messaging. And if I’m busy, I will return her call when I can. But it’s sure nice when she reaches out. She thought about it a bit and agreed. I hope that our conversation landed and stuck with her. It hurts — a lot — when she doesn’t make the same effort to stay in touch.

As for the rest of the people I’ve tossed that ball too, it’s in their court. Fully. I respect that they have priorities of their own, including themselves, and I don’t expect to be one. But I do expect to matter. I do expect to be important. And I do expect a reciprocal effort. And I guess the big difference between now and a week ago is this: I’m not as hesitant to pull back and slowly release the bonds that bind us in friendship if they aren’t wanting to make an effort to connect.

It’s weird. I’m not that girl. I love having great friends in my life and I work to keep them close. But if you can go a span of time without reaching out, without craving a conversation, maybe we aren’t as good friends as I thought. Maybe I’m more committed to the friendship than you are. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve got my answer as to the importance our friendship has in your life by not hearing from you except when I initiate the reach out. And maybe it’s OK to simply wish you a beautiful life and keep our connection light, casual and sporadic instead of deep and meaningful. 

So, with all of this in mind, I give myself a solid B on this initial report card. Steps forward but a work in progress.