Some friendships have no place in my life

What is the cost of honesty in a friendship, a relationship?

It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot these past few weeks. I don’t feel like I’ve been betrayed or misled but in a few of my friendships I feel like there’s “more to the story” that involves me but doesn’t include me. A subtle disconnect in the way we joke, laugh. Shorter answers- out of character- in messages. The feeling of being a part of a friendship but now at a slight distance.

Maybe I’m more tuned in because during my marriage the lines of communication were wide open. For better - or worse- we knew what each other was thinking and feeling, what intentions were. Trust me - there was no guessing. But that also meant that there were hurt feelings, sometimes anger, and being honest meant that there would be a recovery time before a healing and strengthening time.

So is that what keeps people from open and honest? The fact that the relationship will not remain new and shiny- untarnished? In todays society where we are scared to offend, put a wrong foot forward, does that extend to the people we love and hold close? Although we shouldn’t be looking to intentionally hurt or wound does that mean we feel that the best option is silence? How do we truly grow a friendship, relationship if we are swallowing our honest words and thoughts? If we are disguising what we truly feel? It keeps things superficial at best. Is that a true friendship? A true relationship? 

I’ve been at both ends of the receiving spectrum. Last fall one of my heart sisters called me out on a behaviour  I’d been doing - I’d commit to attending an event and back out last minute. I knew I was doing it and the reason why- a bit of anxiety - but she didn’t. I thought that my backing out wouldn’t matter, that my presence wouldn’t be missed in a group of people. I was wrong.There were tears and anger and finally explanations and solutions. Difficult conversations are incredibly hard but the friendship - the sisterhood - wasn’t lost. In fact, I would say that it’s stronger than ever because she had the guts to talk to me knowing that it would hurt both of us. That’s what people do in a friendship that they want to sustain and grow- they nurture that friendship by being real. By being genuine.

The flip side to that was a friendship with a man who had been friends with My Favorite Husband before we were together. About a year ago we tried dating but it was very clear early on that it was a confusing, murky mess - at least to one of us. The dating ended, the friendship ended and there was no closure, no reason why. I reached out, owned and apologized and extended an olive branch of friendship only to be met with a rebuff of silence. I was honest but received nothing in return. I understand that silence and rejection can also be an honest answer and a form of closure and that, in this case, that’s what I would be getting. Was my honesty the final slam of the door? Did it trash a friendship that, with time, might be salvageable? Doesn’t matter because well over a year later time has given me the perspective that friendships like that have no place in my life.

I’m a communicator and sometimes an over communicator. Fortunately (or not) you’ll almost always know where you stand with me and, if something is amiss, I’ll want to talk about it, fix it, sort it out. I’ll want to apologize and own if need be. I’ll seek honesty at all cost. It’s how I’m built and who I am. But I also have to learn that there are others in my close circle who are not like me, who want to take time to sort out their thoughts and feelings. That want to be honest as well but with a different approach. I respect that, I just need to make sure I’m patient with it.

Because the potential cost of honesty in a friendship, in a relationship is the loss of it.