Betrayed by a friend
It’s something that I’m currently working through. Right now, I’m in the hurt and processing part. And it stings constantly.
Every solid, committed relationship starts with a solid, committed friendship. One where you’re attracted to someone for a variety of reasons: common interests, similar senses of humour among them. You start to get to know each other and see if what you think and feel is similar or, if it’s not, if it’s something that is still in alignment with how you think and feel. And then you build and you grow. Friendships are living, growing, dynamic relationships made up of the hearts, minds and emotions of people. And people aren’t perfect. Some friends you keep at a bit of a distance, cautious with your vulnerability. But the rare few that you trust completely, those are the ones you expect more from. You’ve invested time and effort in sharing, becoming vulnerable. You trust that your vulnerability with each other makes your friendship stronger not weaker. You trust that you can be open and honest because you communicate with each other in the language of your friendship.
And then something happens where you don’t.
Very recently someone who I consider to be one of my closest friends made a decision about a part of our friendship based on information that was shared briefly with me. But the decision affects our entire friendship. I agree and support the decision because if one friend needs to change part of the course in the friendship you let them. You’re friends and friendship is a dynamic thing. My friend knows this and still made the conscious decision not to have a conversation. A decree was issued, a mic drop performed and I was left floundering in a reactionary, emotional aftermath.
I had a lot of questions but none of them were about the decision that was made. I cannot stress enough that each person in a friendship can make decisions that might have an impact on the friendship. Just have a conversation.
My friend was very uncommunicative immediately following the message. It wasn’t until a few days later that there was time to chat. By that time though, damage had been done- a lot of damage. Primarily because I ask a lot of questions - I’m a WHY girl and getting answers helps me see the big picture, helps me understand why a situation unfolded the way it did.
But by the time the opportunity for clarity came I had no questions. My friend knew why I was upset and offered apologies which appear to be sincere. There was a chance to get whatever answers I might want. But does it matter? Does it really matter? It doesn’t change the way things unfolded- it can’t change it. And, sometimes the answers I seek can be found in the questions not asked, the actions that were taken. Do I place more value on this friendship than my friend did? Do I think we are closer than we actually are? Or does my friend think the same way and, based on years of friendship, assume that no additional conversation was required, that we know and understand each other well enough that what was said was “good enough”? Or was my friend simply human, making a decision not thought through?
I’m not sure. I’d like to know the answers but I’m also afraid to know the answers. If it turns out that I value our friendship more it will make me question all my friendships. My friend has offered no further explanations for the lack of communication- why the decision that was made didn’t include a conversation where I could’ve asked my questions, gotten my answers. I still wish that would happen but if I have to ask for it to happen isn’t that an answer too? An answer on the importance that my friend places on our friendship.
Right now I feel like the trust, respect and love that I build friendships on has taken a nasty blow. I don’t feel trusted. I don’t feel respected. I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel valued.
But I also believe that the best friendships are ones that have times when things go sideways, tough times, times where you need to work through the bad because the good that’s waiting on the other side is very, very good. Those times - times where you say what how you feel, where you’re open and honest and raw and real- those times that test you because you know it could hurt but you say it anyway, you have the conversation because you’re willing to fight for the friendship….
It’s those times. It’s the times you weather the storm. It’s when you comes out on the other side and know you’ve found a friend for life because you’ve trusted each other and learned so much from what went wrong. You’ve both learned that you have a friendship worth fighting for. It’s that.
Right now I’m still in the storm with this friend but I hope that one day an even stronger friendship will be what’s waiting on the other side.
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