I lost my husband. Thankfully, I didn't lose my in-laws, too

Relationships. Like most other things in life, they change over time, over the course of life events. Friends become family and friends become strangers. Sometimes family becomes strangers, and the common bond of a bloodline isn’t enough to keep people close when different opinions and ideologies clash.

There have been many relationship shifts in my life but the biggest ones have happened in the years since My Favourite Husband (MFH) died. People who I thought were friends of both of ours drifted away. It was hard at first to let go of the people I had known for many years and, in some cases, I tried to cling to them, afraid to let go of friendships of years. Eventually I did let go. I stopped making all the effort to keep in touch and stay connected. And it hurt less as time passed.

Then there was the family I married into. That's the biggest relationship I feared losing. From the beginning, they have welcomed me and accepted me. I always felt like I was a part of them. 

The first major shift in my married family was when my mother-in-law died, a little more than a year prior to MFH dying. Like many matriarchs, she was the social heartbeat of the family. She organized gatherings, connected family, laughed easily and dried tears. Her death left all of us lost and a little struggling. I was, however, still sure of my place in the family because of my tie with MFH. 

When he died, though, when the funeral was over, when days, months and years passed, I find I’m still included in family events. I get invited to life events, birthdays and Christmas. I go out with one of my sister-in-laws almost monthly for lunch and catch-up chats. I visit with my father-in-law. I text with my brother-in-law.

The other week, I was invited to a birthday celebration for my father-in-law — 88 years young. I walked into the noisy restaurant and saw the smiles of my family seated at a long table. Hellos  were exchanged and smiles. And while it was impossible to visit with everyone, I was seated with my wonderful sister-in-law and her two daughters; nieces I adore. We giggled and chatted through the meal and the love that I’ve always had for this family was easy and natural. 

After the meal, a birthday cake was brought out and someone snapped a photo of my father-in-law, sister-in-law and brother-in-law with the birthday cake. It was at that moment a powerful mixture of feelings briefly washed over me. Incredible sadness that MFH isn’t here to be in that picture and incredible love that I am included in this family although he is no longer here. 

The fear of my married family letting go has subsided because of strength of the relationships we worked hard to build over the years. Though shifts have happened as we all age and grow, I no longer worry if I’ll have a place with them. I love them.

And I am loved.