Happily single and sorry Mr. Right: I'm not chasing you

MFH and I during our drag racing days.

The farther I travel down the roads of widowhood and of being single, the more I wonder about relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. At this time in my life, I have zero desire to date. Prior to my trip, I thought I might. I tried out a dating website, had a few encounters and met a lovely man for coffee. I then went travelling, thought about him once and came home exhilarated from my solo experience. 

I liked not answering to anyone. I liked the freedom to do what I want. I like that I have what I have and am dependent only on myself. Right now, this is what makes me happy.

However, it doesn’t stop me from being curious about relationships and, more specifically, if I was to meet someone, how that relationship would be different than my marriage with My Favourite Husband (MFH).

Of course, any man would be different because everyone is unique. But, aside from that, what would a relationship in my late 50s look like and feel like versus a relationship in my late 20s?

When I met MFH, we wanted to build a life together and thought we had a lifetime ahead of us. Now, when I look ahead, I don’t see an endless road. I’m keenly aware I’ve passed the peak and am now traversing the downhill slope of my years left. I’m not sad about it. Not in the least. I’ve been blessed living the life I have. But I don’t have the years ahead to build a life in the way I did before. I’m not sure I would, even if it held interest for me.

So, based on the facts that my years ahead are more limited, I’m not interested in building a life  together the way I was years ago. I’m financially independent and secure. What would a relationship even look like? And what would the man in that relationship look like? Not physically but what’s inside. Am I attracted to a man with the same characteristics and qualities MFH had? Or have I changed so much that I hold different values in what might be a successful relationship?

I don’t believe there’s only one person or one soulmate for us. I believe we meet people who are right for us in that time and space in our lives. And if we choose to build a life together, then we also need to grow together if we want our relationship to be successful. If we don’t, we can co-exist but the building process stops. We become complacent with the status quo and complacency can lead to drifting apart. It’s not that we don’t love or care about each other but we just begin to lead separate lives. 

It happened to me. 

Prior to MFH becoming ill, we had drifted apart. Our interests were different. There was love and friendship. There was respect. But common interests began to dwindle. We had stopped drag racing and we didn’t work on finding interests together that would replace it. 

When he became ill, we switched gears into survival mode and whatever he was interested in was what we did because finding things outside of managing an illness and being a caregiver was rare. Our common interest became hanging out in a dialysis unit and having lunch together sitting in his truck, listening to a podcast. And I loved those times because it was something we did together. I did think, once or twice, what would’ve happened if he had lived? Would we have made an effort to find things that made us discover something new about each other? Would we have co-existed in complacency? Would we have travelled our own paths? I don’t dwell on it, though, because It falls under 'what will never be.' The end was written the way it was meant to be written. 

That brings me back to my current thoughts. Will I meet a Mr. Right for who I am now? The woman who’s vastly different than I was almost three years ago. If I did, what would I look for to even begin to consider spending serious time with him? Even though I’m older, is there a man out there to grow with? Someone who’s interested in pursuing new things together in addition to teaching me what he’s interested in? And learning about things that I enjoy pursuing?

Or am I at the age where I’m set in my ways as any potential partner would be? I love the life I’m living now and, no matter how people tell me, “You’re so amazing; some guy will be lucky to be with you," is there? Is there actually a man out there who’s willing to try growing together? Who’s willing to shake up his life to include me? 

Maybe. Maybe there is a Mr. Right.

If there is, I look forward to him finding me.