I'm launching my own 'Just say no' campaign

‘No’ is a complete sentence.

This. Just this. I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m getting weary of obligations to people and commitments I’m no longer invested in. People with whom I’m making an effort to connect, to stay in touch, to nurture the bond. I’m tired of obligations, of defending how and where I spend my time.

Damn it, I’ll be 59 this year, I’m widowed and childless. So if this isn’t the time for me to claim my time, make myself a priority and put the people in my life who want to be here first, then when?

On my Moroccan tour, there was a group of four women who especially connected. We had conversations about almost everything (or so it seemed). I learned so much from these ladies and I soaked in what they’ve shared, getting to the points of life where they’re at. And much like the other ladies in my close circle, I felt their love and returned that love as we talked about navigating life.

So much wisdom. So many lessons, especially about prioritizing their time and with whom they wanted to spend that time. The Anne Lamott quote that I used to start this post — that came from one of those ladies. It’s her current mantra and it hit and stuck immediately. I think it’s because I hit the point in my life where I’m saying no without explanation. 

“No, thank you.” No excuses — real or made up. No wavering. No drama. No explanations. Just “no” with a smile. 

This has been brewing within me for awhile. When My Favourite Husband (MFH) was alive, we had an agreement. If we were invited to an event and one of us wasn’t “feeling it,” we could say no and not go. No, without explanation. The only caveat was if it was important to the other one that both of us attend. It worked really well for us because neither of us took advantage of the importance clause. We both recognized that attending something we didn’t want to could potentially bring down the mood of the other person and neither of us would enjoy the event. 

So saying no isn’t new but saying no as a widow is.

When MFH died, many people rushed to invite me to things. And while the invitations and being included is appreciated, the pressure to say “yes” was great. There was an unspoken obligation to attend. “Look, you’re alone now, so you must be lonely. See how I’m including you. You have to come.” And so I did, even if I didn’t want to. And it was overwhelming at times because I needed time and space to grieve and figure out who I am and what I needed. But I went instead of saying no and that’s on me.

It’ll be three years in August that MFH died. In that time, my inner circle has grown smaller but the bonds deeper. And I’ve worked on making a conscious effort to spend my time where I want and with whom I want. But I still get tangled in the web of obligations and explanations to people outside of that circle. It’s hard breaking away from it and it’ll always be a work in progress for me. I know I don’t need permission to say “no” but I do need to remember:

'No’ is a complete sentence.