Red flags a reminder I have a green light to be who I am

Today’s dating update isn’t humorous or poignant but introspective. I’ve been mucking around on this dating app for a few weeks and have learned a lot. Quite frankly, that’s what I thought would happen: I’d learn a lot about myself, about the dating dance and about others. 

Besides the encounters I’ve already detailed, my latest encounter has taught me all about caution and red flags. Good lessons. A quick summarization for you: 

I chatted with a man for about five days and exchanged information (no specifics), just enough to see if we wanted to continue chatting. Things seemed to be progressing nicely until two things seemed to set him off: the fact that I have a hard time asking for help and am very independent, combined with the fact he gave me his number and I wasn’t sure I was ready to move the conversation off the app. I was being cautious. I received a message that was unpleasant (to say the least) but I’m glad it happened now so I could save myself experiencing it in person. There were aspects to other messages that I thought were inappropriate as well but, as a friend pointed out to me, written messages without the benefit of eye contact, facial expressions and other body language can easily be taken out of context. But misconstrued or not, the damage was done and our communication has ceased.

Reflecting on the experience, I continue to realize the biggest lesson is about myself. And that’s a good thing.

I am stubborn and independent, and I do have a hard time asking for help. While I’ve always been like that, when My Favourite Husband (MFH) and I were married, those qualities softened because we had a trust with each other and there were generally no ulterior motives or any “I did this for you and now you owe me.” I say generally because sometimes shit really got done if the promise of car parts or shoes was in the mix.

That stubbornness, that independence, that reluctance to ask for help — that was magnified over the last six plus years. As MFH’s health declined and everything fell to me to take care of while he focused on being stable enough for a transplant, I pushed to get things done by myself as much as possible. And being widowed, I again had no choice. If I’m going to be mocked for those traits without anyone unearthing my story, so be it.

But this is me. 

As for being cautious, I am. And I’m hoping many other women are as well, not just online dating but in all aspects of life. In so many things in my life, I’m a 'fly by the seat of my pants' girl; a woman who will jump knowing there’s either a safety net or, hopefully, a Plan B mid-air. But with personal safety, and with opening my heart, I’m pretty closed. If I trust and you hurt me physically, the door is closed and locked. If you hurt my heart, I may, with time, let you back into the edges of my space but a deep, consistent commitment would need to happen to let you closer. So, no, I don’t want you connecting or telling me things in messages after knowing me for only four or five days. I want to read who you are and how you react just a bit more.

I can tell you what my life looks like right now is not at all what I thought my life would look like. My carefully-laid-out plans took a sharp left turn with no possibility of a course correction. My plan was to do a different trip each month in fall. After my amazing month in Portugal, though, a kidney stone that led to sepsis, a stay in the hospital and a month-long recovery kiboshed it all. Instead, I was forced to focus on my physical and mental recovery, discovering who I really am right now. I was forced to slow down and reevaluated what and who should be a part of my life right now. I dug down and thought about all the positive and negative experience that make me the woman I am in this chapter of my life. I thought about what I want and how to make that happen.

According to my original plan I should be working at something by now but, instead, I’ve looked at where I am financially and realized I can wait for my out-of-country medical insurance to kick back in and then I can resume my travel adventures. I was so impatient to get going but someone in the bigger picture has directed me to take this time in my life to explore; to learn; to grow. To make sure I’m strong and confident whether my life is lived alone or with an amazing partner. I know I’m worth it and different experiences won’t be easy. But if I can know and believe this in myself, I expect no less from someone who wants to be part of my life. 

After all, I’m prepared to give no less. ❤️