I'm having myself a very merry (but still bittersweet) Christmas

Hanging out with Santa after donating blood.

Christmas doesn’t offend me this year. That’s progress for me. That’s a step in my healing journey. 

In fact — dare I say it — while I’m not offended or indifferent (like last year), I actually have a tiny bit of excitement about the season. Joy is seeping in and I like the feeling of peace; the feeling of love. Much like the Grinch (but for different reasons), I can feel my heart begin to grow. 

This is Christmas No. 3 without My Favourite Husband (MFH). While Christmas is hard because of past memories and traditions, I find myself in a place where I’m ready to test the waters with different ways to acknowledge and celebrate the season. I’m not ready to have Christmas completely in my face but I’m ready to meet it halfway. 

So, I’m finding my feet with this season. MFH and I collected pieces for a Christmas village over the years. I did not put the village up the last two years but this year I will. I also purchased two small pieces that I think he would make him smile. I thought it would be tough picking out the pieces. I thought I might cry. But my eyes didn’t leak and, while my heart had a twinge, my face had a smile.

I’ve also been getting together with friends this week and have similar plans for the next. Casual meals, love and laughter that flows easily. I’m a contrasting mix of introvert and extrovert (although I present as all extrovert) but, if I maintain the balance between time alone and time with the people who hold my heart, I’m enjoying the togetherness time and being part of the season.

I’ve also offered to host a casual Boxing Day get-together for MFH's side of the family. My in-laws are in-laws in name only. They are my family, too, and I’ve maintained a strong connection with them after his death. The fact that I’m taking a turn hosting this year is a big step for me but one I’m proud to be taking with this part of my family. 

Something else that I’m doing this year is random acts of kindness. I’ve been doing them the past few years to honour MFH’s memory on occasions such as his birthday, his deathiversary and our anniversary. I’ve generally stayed away from Christmas because there’s so much going on. But I’ve decided I don’t have to do a lot of things and I don’t have to do big things. 

I’ve already stopped by the hospital's emergency department with gift cards for coffee for the team that took care of me during my October stay. My niece and I visited a homeless shelter and delivered toques, socks and mitts. This connection with a few of our homeless population is for so many reasons. It’s to help both of us be more aware of people, their circumstances and how a little bit of warmth and humanity can possibly make a difference. It’s also about doing something that spoke to MFH's heart. He always struggled with women who were homeless. He thought the situation would be hard on anyone but he thought it would be harder on a woman. If we were ever enjoying a meal somewhere and there was a woman looking for change so she could eat, he would always approach her from a distance, point me out, then ask if she needed help with paying for food. He would buy whatever she wanted and always bought a gift card as well, so she could have a second meal. Finally, we are doing this to honour the memory of a friend of mine who lost her son years ago. She would do random acts of kindness to honour his memory. She’s moved away but I’ve reached out to her and asked if we might do something here to remember him.

Another thing that I’ve done is donate blood. I’ve been a regular donor for years but when MFH became ill in 2017 I made sure to donate on a consistent basis. One of the side effects of his kidney disease was a condition called GAVE where the capillaries in his stomach were raised and eating and drinking aggravated them causing them to bleed. As a result, he required over 100 blood transfusions. I will always be grateful for the supply of blood that gave him the gift of life and I feel it’s my responsibility to pay that gift forward. As a bonus, as luck would have it, Santa was donating blood at the same time and confirmed I was not on the naughty, naughty list!

Mostly, I’m hoping to bump up my awareness of where someone might need a little extra “something” in a moment to help — a few dollars, help with groceries, a warm smile.

I generally practise gratitude and kindness but, at this time of year, so many are remembered and yet so many are forgotten. 

So, Christmas, here we are, you making me come out of my shell, one toe at a time. You, suggesting that it’s OK to take small steps forward that it’s alright if I want to blend the present and the past together, the new and the old.

It may sting — it might always sting a little — but it’ll be just fine.

❤️