Inside the WTF Diaries — Inner debate between being single or widowed

The first year after My Favourite Husband (MFH) died, I kept a journal that I shared with a couple of very close friends. My entries had more questions than answers as I stumbled through the first few months on my new path. Truth be told, though, even though I’m figuring out some things, others remain much as they were over two years ago.

I’ve reread some of what I’ve written, curious to see where I am on my road now. This entry popped up and I gave it some thought over a cup of coffee. And two years later, I thought I’d share the “shock” of finding out I’m no longer married and update where I am now.

• • •

According to my grief counsellor, I’m no longer married. And while it shouldn’t have come as a shock, it did. Of course I’m married.

That whole “until death do you part” thing? It happened. And with everything that has happened the last five months, the fact I’m no longer married just didn’t register. So when I had my last session with the counsellor and I referred to My Favourite Husband as my husband, then paused, then looked at the counsellor and said, “He is, right?" the answer was a gentle no.

WTF? If I’m not married anymore, what am I? Does it even matter? Did I just say WTF to my grief counsellor?

I’ve tried out “single.” Single, though, for me is for people who’ve never been married. Does it make sense? No. And the reality is I am single. But 'single' makes me squirm. Single means I’m confident in the new life I’m forging. I’m still a baby at being single again. I’m not feeling strong enough, confident enough to be single again.

“Widowed.” “I’m recently widowed.” Right now, widowed feels right for different reasons. To me, widowed still connects MFH to me. I was married to him and, though our physical connection is over, widowed links our lives together. Also, widowed shuts down a lot of conversations. I usually get condolences then any conversation about my status is over. That feels right to me right now. 

Not long ago, I had a conversation with a heart sister about Facebook relationship statuses. I told her I was moving MFH's Facebook status from active to memorial status. My hope was it would protect his page from hackers. In the course of our conversation, I talked with her about changing my profile status from married to widowed. I told her I wasn’t there yet and did it really matter? She let me talk it out. The fact that all my Facebook friends are people I know and know MFH has passed away. They know I’m not married, so does changing my status matter if I don’t feel it’s the time right now?

I’ve decided, for now, to be married on Facebook, widowed in real life and aim for single (possibly) in the future when the time is right.

• • •

Over two years later and I’m still working my way through my myriad  feelings about my relationship status. I’ve moved my Facebook profile to widowed from married. One day as I was puttering around on it, updating my profile picture, the status update felt right. I identify as widowed on other social media platforms as well.

In real life, widowed is my preferred term as well. I still like the link the term gives me with MFH. Also, being identified as a widow means if you’re getting to know me, you know my story has a different plot twist and you can select what, if any, questions you might want to ask.

I still get uncomfortable identifying as single but I fully acknowledge that I am. Widowed is single. Divorced is single. Single is single. I’m learning to be proud of being single because single, to me, means being strong, tenacious, independent. I was those things in my marriage but they’ve been amplified in my widowhood. 

Will I ever be fully comfortable being single only though? I’m not sure. Only time and experience will tell.

❤️