A message to My Favourite Husband on his second deathiversary

Today is the second year of your deathiversary, My Favourite Husband.

So many days in these past two years have felt like forever. So many days have flown by. Marking the passage of time has changed with your passing. Days were prescribed, measured by planned events. Now my days seem to meander, at times aimlessly, at times changing course or shifting gears abruptly as I stumble, fumble and eventually find my feet as I move forward in building this new life.

I wondered if I’d put our life together in the past as I move farther from our 'we' and settle into my life as 'me.' I haven’t. I don’t reside in that time or in that life but I draw on what that life brought me, how it shaped me as I move forward. I smile when I think of the love, the laughter, the squabbles. I smile at the recalled moments of dark humour we found during all our hospital visits. And while your illness and your passing don’t make me smile, they usually don't make me cry because I choose to believe you’ve found peace and release from your physical suffering. 

I miss you. You were part of my life for almost half my life. I miss not having you here to listen to my day. I miss not having you here to hug me, hold me and tell me “it’s going to be OK." I miss going for lunch with you — a takeout lunch parked by a park, listening to podcasts. 

I miss hearing you breathe and your heartbeat as I lay my head on your chest.

How can I not miss you? But missing you has not held me back from loving me.

The greatest gift our marriage gave me was the gift of giving and receiving love. Of being open to love and not closing my heart off.

On today's second deathiversary, I look at the beautiful life I have now. It’s filled with love and hope. I’ve tried a new career. I’ve tried dating. I’ve tried many new adventures both solo and with friends. I’ve made new friends and strengthened the bonds I have with the ones who are closest to my heart already. 

I’ve gotten tattoos; two (so far).

I’m planning on spreading my wings and seeing some of this big, beautiful world very soon. 

I’ve been both successful and messy and I own it all. Mom and Brat (my youngest brother) say I’m all over the place; one minute I’m doing something and the next minute I’ve changed my mind and am doing something completely different. I think it’s because when you were alive, there were two of us making life decisions. Now there’s just me and with all options wide open, it’s hard to choose what I might want. Some days, I simply want it all. 

Some days, yes to everything. 

The carefree, bohemian woman you fell in love with, the one who became happily domesticated, is back but with life experience, battle scars and a head full of knowledge. I know how to live fully. Sometimes I don’t remember my worth but that’s OK because I have people who love me and remind me that I’m worth all good things. I still believe that kindness makes the world a better place but I’m learning that kindness can come with boundaries and the greatest kindness is the kindness, grace and forgiveness I give to myself. 

I know you’re with me, too, cheering me on, rolling your eyes, laughing at some of the shit that I do and that happens to me (yes, weird stuff still happens to me but I’ve learned to embrace it).  I know that no matter what, wherever I am and whatever I do, you will never leave me. 

My heart is capable of so much love but know that, no matter who I love, I will always love you, too.

❤️