Forgive me for being cheeky but...

My ass hurts. 

I told my friend, The Editor, about it. And  when I was blabbing on about not knowing what to write about in a blog post, he helpfully suggested I write about it. So, I am. It’s like he doesn’t even know me, thinking that I won’t.

So, here’s a post about my posterior.

Being widowed, I am in a position to challenge myself to try new things because I have the time and the resources to do so. I’m curious by nature and my attitude is, “I’ll try anything once,” and so I do.

For a few months now, I’ve tried to take a barre pilates course. Full disclosure: I’ve never taken ballet, pilates or yoga so, really, I have no idea what I’m doing. My shift work and the time of the class has never meshed … until last week. The stars aligned. The fates smiled. I proudly drove to the rec centre that offered this class determined I was going to fall in love with it. I’d be working my muscles differently than when I swim. I’d be toned and looking like a supermodel by the end of the day. I knew it.

I went extra early to make sure I’d find the studio where this life-changing class was being held. When I found it, I was warmly greeted by the instructor and the other students. I took a mat off the hanger, wiped it down and seated myself on it. 

The instructor started off by saying this would be the last Thursday class for the season. I was shocked. WTF? I just got here! She then went on to explain how the class would run: she’d be narrating it the entire time, not just calling out moves. Sounds good to me.

We began by doing a few yoga moves on the mat. Hey, so far, no problem. I’ve got this. I’m bendy.

We then moved to the barre. The start of her narrative was to remind us to have a strong core (hold it tight) and strong glutes — always keep your glutes tight. Now this is familiar to me since I do both in my aquafit class. And so began an hour's worth of toning, tightening and strengthening exercises.

Now I’m not going to get cocky and say I think I nailed it but … I think I nailed it. I kept up pretty well with my classmates, several of whom have been doing this for years. I smiled and sweated and looked into the mirror with the confidence of a woman who knows what her body is capable of.

At the end of the hour, I truly thought the instructor would approach me and tell me I’m a natural. She did not. I was puzzled by her lack of congratulations for how well my abdomen was kept taunt; my glutes kept firm. I shrugged it off to the fact other students were surrounding her and wishing her a good summer. So, as I hung up my mat, I merely smiled and thanked her for her class. I waited a beat, sure an offer to teach a class would be coming. It did not.

And so I walked back to my truck, my skin a healthy glow from my workout. And as I drove home to get ready for a supper date, I felt really, really good about myself.

Fast forward to the next morning…

I could barely get out of bed. Every single muscle I have in my ass ached. I had no idea there were that many muscles in my butt. Tighten your glutes — are you kidding me right now? I kept them tight for an hour and now I’m waddling, looking like a cross between a cowboy and a penguin. My abdomen ached but my butt throbbed.

How do people do this? I thought I was clenching consistently for an hour — and I was. And that’s the problem.

So I told a few people about it. Not a single one had any sympathy or a solution. Oh sure, there were “helpful” suggestions. Offers of massage. Recommendations to either ice it or heat it or both. Some person suggested Rub A5-35.

It hurt to sit. It hurt to lay down. Standing wasn’t much better. Using the toilet was agony.

The only thing that helped was time … well, that and not clenching my butt.

What’s the moral of this story? Dare to try new things! That and butt-clenching in a barre pilates class will not make you look like a supermodel in one hour but, if you want your ass to ache, it’s highly recommended.