Why am I reluctant to call this dating? And why am I so confused?
Usually, I can figure out the situation I’m in, and turn it around so it becomes a situation I want to be in. But this whole “kind of, sort of, casual, maybe dating thing” has me completely baffled and scared and excited. I don’t know how to sort this out, so I overanalyze and beat how I feel to pieces until I’m exhausted.
Is this 'hanging out' business supposed to be this hard? The hanging out isn’t hard. The company is fun, the activities we do are fun, learning about him is fun. I’m enjoying myself thoroughly. What’s actually hard, I guess, is I kind of like him in a way that has a different twist to the many years of friendship we have. I’m not besotted. I’m not smitten. But I am curious. That and the fact I swore I would never date ever again. And now I’m spending time in the company of a gentleman and some people call it dating. And it’s hard. I think I’m hung up on a word. It would be nice if I could get past that. I’m working on it.
Do I feel guilt hanging out with him? No. Compare him to My Favourite Husband (MFH)? No. Obviously, our interactions are different — weird but not bad. Some of me rebels against the thought of shifting little bits of my time to hang out with him, although he’s never demanded, only asked. Part of me rebels against the fact our conversations and interactions give me pause to think and smile. I don’t want to reflect on our time spent together during my day.
It’s different sticking a toe into the 'hanging out' ocean (yes, I still refuse to call it dating).
I thought — and still believe — that I don’t want to have a relationship other than the one I had with MFH. Romantic relationships involve feelings and emotions and the last 18 months have wrung out of the depths of my heart all the possible feelings and emotions I could’ve ever felt. It’s left me raw and a strange combination of vulnerable and hardened. It has left me broken and rebuilt, and the thought that someday, somewhere, there may be someone who has the power to do that to me again scares me to the bottom of my soul.
It’s hard for me to look in the mirror and stare at the woman looking back. The woman who fell completely apart and clawed and worked her way back from broken. The woman who makes decisions for her future, takes charge of her life. I’ve started a new career, a new fitness routine. I’ve made new friends and blended them with longtime friends and connected people whose common denominator is me.
I see that woman — me — and I embrace her fearlessness and her willingness to accept new challenges. That’s why I’m somewhat ashamed that my courage falters when it comes to hanging out with a gentleman.
What are my options? Cut and run? Stay and see what happens? Put a world of effort in or no effort at all? The truth is we talk almost daily and we’ve hung out together several times. There’s no rush, no hurry to move our hanging out into something more than the kisses we’ve shared. The Boy has some seat time in life and understands the importance of patience.
I’ve recently come to the conclusion that when it comes to any relationship, I need to make sure and put myself first. Pursuing something, or not, cannot be at the expense of my own happiness and peace of mind.
If my post sounds like I’m confused, well, I am. But like everything else, I’m going to do widowhood my way, making the best decisions for me and the time that’s right for me.
❤️
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