Time to find new holiday traditions

The closer I inch to Christmas, the less indifferent and more unsettled I become.

I wasn’t sure if this cloak of “whatever” was something that I intentionally put on or just appeared but, while I thought it was in place, it’s slipping and now I have to deal with different feelings. It makes me sad. It’s a bit unnerving.

I have invitations and plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Plans to keep me busy — or not — as I wish. The toughest part will be Christmas morning. Christmas morning was when My Favourite Husband (MFH) and I would get out of bed, turn on some Christmas music and unwrap our gifts to each other. We’d settle in for a bit of breakfast and just enjoy the peace of the morning. We’d spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with mine, so the time  together in the morning was ours.

It’s what hurts the most.

Last Christmas morning, I was lost. I sat in my house and wept. The loneliness — the emptiness of it all cut deep. I had other options for starting the day but I chose what I chose because I didn’t know what I wanted. Truthfully, the heartache and the tears were probably the best choice. I needed to remember what I had and mourn what I would no longer have. It was the first Christmas without him but it won’t be the last.

This will be Christmas Number 2. While the sharpness of the pain has softened a bit, I know it’ll still be hard. And I know I still have choices on how I can spend my morning. That has made me think: how do I want to spend my morning? The tradition of the past are memories. It’s time to make new traditions, new memories.

I have some ideas I might want to try this year but they are flexible. I suspect that it will take me a few years to figure out what feels right and also that what I would like to do one year may change the next. Building traditions takes time, can’t be forced and is about what feels good.

I’ve been thinking I’d like to have a time of self care to start my day. Maybe a special treat for breakfast — French toast or something else that I normally wouldn’t have. Then I’d like to try and put a little love in the world in MFH's memory. Maybe buy a round or two of coffee in a Starbucks lineup. Maybe a gift card for a little something for the kids working a fast food drive thru window. I’ve been thinking about packing up a few knapsacks with warm essentials and driving downtown and seeing if anyone could use one. I’m also considering dropping off coffee cards and cookies to the nurses on MFH's dialysis ward. They are incredible human beings; people who treated both of us with love, kindness and respect. I dropped off treats to them on what would’ve been MFH's birthday and they were so grateful for the visit. It might be time to stop by again. There’s a lot of good that can happen without a lot of time needed to make it happen. 

I’ve done this before — random acts of kindness in memory of MFH. Sometimes I’ve shared why I’m doing it and sometimes I’ve just done it. But every time I have, I’ve smiled inside knowing I’m just the person making it physically happen and that the spirit of the act — the goodness of MFH's heart — is what’s driving it.

Will it make Christmas morning easier for me? Maybe, maybe not. What it hopefully will do is make someone else smile that morning.

Sharing the love. It’s what makes the world a beautiful place. 

❤️