Thoughts on my second Christmas without him
Christmas is about sharing, giving, family and friends.
This will be my second Christmas without My Favourite Husband (MFH) and, while I’m not digging the above mentioned feelings, it’s better than the first Christmas after MFH died. Back then, I wanted to ugly cry, yell at Santa and throat punch an elf (none of which I did as I’d like to one day be off the naughty list).
Last year, the people closest to my heart circled around me, insulating me from the season's festivities and protecting me (as much as possible) from the Christmas spirit. They knew it would be hard. MFH loved Christmas. It wasn’t an overboard love but a love that stemmed from a lifetime of traditions and a love of spending time with people who mattered. My circle knew this and knew that while I was on a road of healing, not having him to share the season with would bend me — bend me but hopefully not break me.
I didn’t break. The job I was working at moved me from a front-line position to one behind the scenes, which was good since the job was at a greenhouse that transformed into a winter wonderland during the Christmas season. The move meant I wouldn’t have Christmas in my face at work. I avoided shopping as much as possible. I turned down most invitations to connect. If anything Christmasy dared to appear on my TV screen, I turned the channel. Luckily, hockey isn’t very Christmasy, so I was pretty safe. Any Christmas music that appeared on my music channels was replaced by any other musical genre.
I did pretty good with it all. I mean, I cried myself to sleep on a few nights but love and grief are twined together, so my tears were love and loss together.
So I made it through Christmas No. 1 as a 'me' surrounded by the love that had held me up since the start of my new chapter.
This year, as I prepare to experience Christmas No. 2 without MFH, things are different. My feeling toward the season is, at this point, indifference. Right now, I’m not sad. I’m not angry (you’re welcome, Santa and elves). I’m also not happy and joyous with the season. I’m just, indifferent to it all. I’ve been to a shopping mall and not been offended by the decorations or the music. My eyes look at it all cautiously but without emotion. Kind of like the season is happening to someone else.
I haven’t done Christmas baking yet but I might do a bit for the crews I’ll be flying with around Christmas. I haven’t done much shopping — I don’t have much to do — but what I buy aren’t necessarily Christmas presents but presents of love.
I have no plans to decorate my house but I’m not against doing so in the future. That’s a door still open.
I know I’ll meet lots of families travelling on my planes to visit loved ones for the holidays and, right now, I’m OK with that. I love seeing people excited and happy to fly, and I love hearing their stories, so I think I’ll be good with that part of the season.
All of what I’m feeling and the decisions I’m making are because I’m not protected by my heart circle this year. My people aren’t keeping the season at bay. Oh, they would if I asked but these people know how much I’ve travelled down my new road, how many pages have been written in my new chapter and they trust that I know what I need to do to get through my second Christmas with MFH. We all know, as well, that I only have to say help and they will be there for anything I need.
Every day, I put on a bracelet that has “beautiful girl, you can do hard things” inscribed on the inside. It reminds me to trust in myself, believe in myself and that I’m capable of making this journey on my own.
Christmas No. 2, you will come and you will go and, while I’m indifferent now, I’m sure it might be a bit harder the closer it gets to Dec. 25. It’s all good, though. I’m standing on my wobbly legs knowing I can do hard things.
❤️
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