STEPPING OUT ON MY OWN

"Table for one, please."

Lots of things are for one. Have been for over a year now. Is it OK? Does it matter? The reality is that My Favourite Husband (MFH) is dead. I can’t change it. Trust me, I’ve prayed, tried to make deals with God and done everything I could to change it. I can’t.

But… 

What I am doing is moving forward. I’m learning about managing my money. I’m learning to do things around the house that MFH used to do. I’ve trained for a new career; travelled to a new country on my own. I’ve made new friends and maintained existing relationships. I can keep listing all the things I’ve done and am doing — but the biggest reason I’m able to do all this is because I’ve learned to use my widowhood status as an explanation, not an excuse.

Does that sound harsh? Strange? Maybe. I don’t mean it that way. But right after MFH died, I hid behind being a widow. I used it as an excuse any time there were things I didn’t want to do or places I didn’t want to go. I didn’t use the sadness, the mixed emotions or my grief, but I did say I couldn’t do things because I’m alone. I’m a widow. 

I learned early into my new journey this excuse wasn’t going to fly. No one told me. I told me. I’m not a person who likes to be pitied and I’m generally not a person who uses heartstring-tugging excuses to not do something. I don’t need saving (well, except when I’m about to cause some mischief. Maybe then).

Shifting my attitude has allowed me to push my boundaries and that has helped me find a balance in my life. 

To mark MFH's three-month deathiversary, I went on a date with myself to a candlelight concert performed by a string quartet. It was haunting. It was beautiful. It was dark, so when the tears came — and they did — not many could see them. During the first Christmas season without MFH, I walked into a party by myself; a party that was mostly his friends from the drag racing community. I haven’t gone to everything I’ve been invited to go to but, if I want to go, I don’t let the fact I’m widowed stop me. 

I have friends who love me beyond measure and would be happy to be my plus-one. Sometimes they are. But I’ve found it’s also important to go it alone.

The other area where I use my widowhood as an explanation is in learning new things and asking for help. I’ve found if I’m honest and tell people this was something I’ve never done before and I need their help and a bit of patience, I usually get the help I need. If I get condescending looks, impatience or questioning as to why I don’t know, I’ll simply say something like: “MFH did this. He’s passed away and now I need to learn. Will you help me?" 

This approach has worked for me since most people will take the time to teach if a student is willing to learn. And, if I can’t, then I just hire someone to do the task I need.

Over a year into my new journey, I’m seeing such a change in myself. It’s the opportunity to spread my wings, heal, transition. 

I’m currently on a flight layover in a city I’ve never been to. The crew didn’t meet up to go for dinner or hang out. So I decided to go for a walk on my own to a tourist area and wander the shops and bring back food to eat later in my room. I’m not sure if I would’ve done that when I was still married, or if I would’ve just hung out in my hotel room. But I went and enjoyed myself. And on an impulse, I stopped and had my tarot cards and palm read. I haven’t done this for many, many years but I was curious as to what the reader had to say. 

She told me lots of things that could be interpreted in a general sense but the one thing I did hone in on was this:

She told me I was on a journey of healing and of finding balance. I need to keep focusing on this along with my spiritual journey. 

Generic advice? Probably. But when I want to hear something I do. Focus on me and all the things I can do alone.

So, table for one?

Yes, please.

❤️