I'm savouring life after doing all the 'hard things'

"You Beautiful Girl, you can do hard things."

I have a bangle I wear daily that is engraved with those words. It’s true, I can. 

In this past year, I’ve buried My Favourite Husband (MFH). I’ve learned how to do things around the home I’ve never done before. I’ve changed careers. I’ve fought my way out of gut-wrenching pain to a place where the pain exists more softly. I’ve made friends and lost friends. I’ve done more than I thought I could.

But ...

One of the hardest things I’ve been trying to do is find peace, calm my restlessness and soothe my spirit. I’m able to do it for bits at a time but then I feel like I need to keep moving, keep pushing, so I’m always going forward. I think part of me is scared that, if I don’t, I’ll slide back into a dark place where grief and pain are at the forefront.

It feels like I haven’t stopped moving since MFH died; not in a bad way but in a way that keeps me busy. I didn’t think I was doing too much. I didn’t think I was too busy. I thought I was well paced. 

However ...

Friends have told me to slow down. Said I was experiencing life at warp speed. I thought they were wrong but, now, I’m thinking they might be right.

Portugal is my first holiday in several years. And it might have been a different holiday if I was actually doing what I thought I was going to do: tour the country by myself for two weeks, seeing the sights. But the universe, my heart sister and her husband had different ideas. And now I’m experiencing this country in a way that is slower, calmer. And it’s both ridiculously hard to slow down and yet it feels right to do so.

It makes no sense yet it makes sense.

Last night, the three of us went to an intimate restaurant in old Lisbon. In addition to enjoying a wonderful meal, we listened to fado. I speak no Portuguese, although I’ve learned how to say “thank you," “shit,” and “good afternoon” — none of which I recognized in the songs. 

Fado. You don’t need to know Portuguese to be moved by the music. You need to close your eyes and listen. You need to flood your senses with the emotions being sung. 

I did. I opened my ears and my heart and let the beauty of the music envelope me. I let my mind clutter go and I lived only in that moment. 

The fado. The companionship of people I love. The meandering on cobblestone streets at midnight. All of it is starting to do what I didn’t know I needed: slow me down, allow me to stop, bring me some balance.

I’m not sure why I needed to go so far from home to get the start of what I need but I’m glad that I did and that I am. And MFH is here with me.. He came here as well. His presence is soft but his spirit is strong. I can hear him laugh when I flirt with the young waiter, feel his arms around me as I embrace the magic of the evening, smile as he realizes I’m taking the time to live in the moment.

As I begin to slow down, I’m realizing...

Beautiful Girl, you can do hard things — like allowing yourself to find the beauty inside; the peace inside; giving the woman you are becoming the grace to grow.