The complicated shift from 'we' to 'me'

The shift from ‘we’ to ‘me' happened physically in a matter of hours. In every other way, however,  untangling the ties that bound two together as one has been slow.

The first few days and weeks, I looked for My Favourite Husband (MFH) constantly. I thought every creak and shift in the house were his footsteps. Every noise was him walking up and down the stairs, into and out of a room. 

I looked for him to help make a decision, to share a story, to listen to advice. 

I wanted his opinion on his funeral. Did he like the urn I picked out? The private gravesite service? His “nice” lunch? The headstone?

Should I sell anything? Keep everything? 

The life we had built together for so many years meant deciding and discussing together. Now, it was me alone.

As the months passed and he didn’t walk into a room … he didn’t call or text … he didn’t offer an opinion or advice … my heart finally accepted what my mind already knew. He wasn’t coming back, ever.

Accepting he’s gone and now it’s just me — that was something I worked hard for. I was with MFH for almost half my life. He was a strong man, physically and mentally, but didn’t allow that strength to dominate our relationship. I softened his hard edges and he toughened my soft ones. We were about balance. And so, when I became me, I had the smarts, skills and strength to figure out how I wanted my new life to look.

The other big shift in ‘we’ to ‘me’ has been the people in my life. I’ve never been divorced but some of my friends who are say that friends often chose sides; they decide whose life they will continue to be involved in. Interestingly enough, for me, something similar has happened with friends who I thought were both of our friends. With MFH’s death, some friends have drifted away and decided that while ‘we’ fit into their lives, ‘me' no longer does. It stung at first but, as time as moved along, I’ve discovered that them letting me go really might be the best thing for everyone. It’s been hard learning to let go of people I’ve known for years but I’ve found I no longer have the capacity to nurture fruitless relationships. Another lesson.

What I do have the time and energy for are the friendships that have grown deeper and stronger because my new life. There are a handful of people who have given me nothing but love and support and I’ve found my way back to making sure that relationship is mutual. These long-term friendships have not only survived but thrived and it fills my heart to know that whether I’m a part of a ‘we’ or walking the world as ‘me,’ I have people who will love me either way.

This past year has also brought new acquaintances and a few new friendships. People I’ve met through aquafit, through flying, through other outings and activities. People who’ve never known me as part of ‘we’ but only as ‘me.’ They express their condolences for MFH’s death but are excited to get to know the woman I am now. They are curious to hear about my life as a married woman but are eager to know this woman — the widow who is figuring it out alone. I’m as eager to get to know them and their stories, and I’m enjoying meeting people who like me for who I am now. I would never have met these people as part of being a ‘we’ and I would’ve missed out on having them in my life. 

As I move forward and continue to carve my new path, I give thanks for the time of my life spent as part of ‘we’ and I also have gratitude for the people in my life who are a part of ‘me.’ She’s a pretty kickass woman and I’m happy I get to discover her, too.

❤️