Advice from an old chick who’s a junior flight attendant

Let’s continue pausing the widow talk for a bit. As you may have read in my previous post, I am also a flight attendant. So, for a change of pace, here’s a little something I’d like to call: Advice from an Old Chick who’s a Junior Flight Attendant:

1. Wear shoes in the lavatory of a plane. That puddle you’re stepping in? Not water, my friend.
2. Please, for the love of God, lock the lav when you enter. Why? Locking the lav turns the light on. Turning the light on means you can see what you're doing. If you see what you’re doing, fewer puddles on the floor. See where I’m going with this? As well, locking the door means neither another passenger nor I will witness you doing your thing in there. No one needs to see that.
3. Yes, I’m asking you to buckle up. I’m sorry I want to keep you safe. Having said that, I’m an informer, not an enforcer, so should you choose not to, please remember it’s survival of the fittest.
4. Yes, my lunch looks good. No, you can’t have any.
5. Being inebriated onboard is not OK. However, if you’ve somehow made it onboard and are behaving well for the whole flight and, upon disembarking, tell another FA and I how much you love us and how we deserve a raise that’s OK. And it’s perfectly OK to relay that message (along with how well you think he landed) to the captain as you exit. And what the hell: if he’s in the forward lav and you need to bang on the door to make sure he’s listening to you, even better. I do guarantee he’s locked the lav door.
6. I will absolutely hold your baby or walk your baby and laugh, smile and play with your baby!
7. I will absolutely engage your children and laugh, smile and play with them!
8. I will absolutely talk with you, check in with you and make sure you’re OK if you are a nervous flyer. It’s OK to be scared. Together, we’ve got this.
9. My primary role when you’re on my plane is your safety. So, no matter how much fun we are having, if you’re not following what I need you to do so that you’re safe, I’m going to use my FA voice. What’s my FA voice? It’s the one where I “mom” you — sternly and firmly — while looking deep into your eyes and making you squirm. If you still don’t listen, I’ll tell your Mom. Bet you’re squirming right now. See, it works.
10. If you’re on my flight and we are having a little fun bantering and you tell me it’s your birthday and what your buddies did to help you celebrate (line up a mechanical bull) and ask me how I’m going to top it, I will ask the passengers on the plane to sing Happy Birthday to you. I will lead them on the mic. I sound like a cat whose tail is being stepped on when I sing. I have no shame. I’ll sing anyway. 
11. If you’re seated in my overwing exits, it’s a mandatory briefing. If you start out by telling me you’ve sat here a “million times” and you know exactly what to do, I’m still going to brief you. And then I’m going to quiz you. If you fail, it’s OK because I’ve still briefed you but you’ll be sad for being unsuccessful. The other way we can go is that I’ll brief you and you can grade me when I’m done. Whatever I choose will depend on your attitude when I come to brief you. Ultimately, I’m looking to build a quick rapport with you because if shit goes sideways and I need you to pop that door when you hear me yelling commands, we both need to trust each other. 
12. On the subject of overwing exits, when I brief you, please do not attempt to stick your hand underneath the handle and pull to test it. It works. This is part of the trust thing we are building. Also, please don’t play with the emergency equipment. Yes, I know you see the medical oxygen and the first aid kits and all of the other exciting things in the overhead bins but it has been checked for functionality. It has been checked to ensure no tampering has been done. And while it’s lovely you want to check, too, please don’t. The plane will go nowhere if you do. We will all be sad.
13. Thank you for listening to me and watching my safety demo. You bet I’m watching you as well. I’m looking for passengers who might be able to help in the event of an emergency. I’m looking for people who might need extra help to evacuate in the event of an emergency. I’m looking for people who might give me “trouble” as well as people who are nervous and might need extra care. I’m looking for anyone acting suspiciously. I’m just looking and assessing the people in my cabin section and being situationally aware. And hopefully when you’re watching me, you’re learning a little bit more about the safety features of the aircraft. PS — if you watch me in English, you don’t have to watch me in French.
14. I will connect with you on my plane. I will interact with you. I’m grateful you’ve chosen to fly with us because your business means I get to do a job I love and get paid for it. I want your experience to be good. I want you to be one of the passengers I see who gets onboard and recognizes me because I was your FA on a previous flight and I made you smile. Seeing you again makes me smile. Thank you.




❤️