Thoughts on rings and other things

There are so many new things to navigate on my widowhood road; things that need to be done in a timely manner and things to be done when — and if — the time is right. It’s been two months since I took my wedding band off. The last band I wore — My Favourite Husband’s band — I had sized for me and wore because it “felt right” instead of wearing my wedding set.

When I took it off, I wore the band on a chain, so I was still connected with it. That ended abruptly when I thought I lost the chain and band in a swimming pool while exercising. While I did find it nestled inside my sports bra (proving the story of the Princess and the Pea wasn’t always accurate, according to a fellow aquasizer), I took it as a sign that maybe the band should remain tucked in a jewelry box for a bit while I decided how I felt about this “move.”

I’ve been without a ring on my finger for two months now. Some days I miss it but most days I’m OK without it. What helps, for me, is that early on in my grief, I had a tattoo running the inside of my left arm — something that reminds me of my life as a married woman and my life as a widow. Although our promise has ended and our chapter is done, our story will always be a part of me moving forward.

Let me share what I wrote in my journal two months ago:

• • •

I took my wedding band off this afternoon. It stayed off for the rest of the day.

There’s no reason why it happened today. No “a-ha moment” when I thought “this needs to come off immediately as I am not legally married anymore.”

 

I didn’t take it off so I could attract and pursue a man. I didn’t take it off because I no longer feel connected to My Favourite Husband.

Maybe one of the reasons I took it off was because I’m entering a new chapter in my book. While my past and present tangle to be my future, who I was almost a year ago is not who I am now.

It was part of a conversation I had with my Mom today. I asked her what the “rule” is on when to take my wedding ring off. She told me there is no rule — only what’s right for me. I told her that I was thinking about switching it from my left to right hand. She was quiet for a minute and then suggested if I was going to take it off that I go without rings on either hand for a few months. She said I probably play with my band and, if I didn’t wear anything on either hand, I wouldn’t be distracted by a ring being where I might not think it should be.

It’s good advice. She also told me that there’s no rule saying that if I feel deeply uncomfortable or distressed that I can’t put my ring back on. She’s absolutely right.

I wore my wedding band or a band on my ring finger the vast majority of the time we were married. It symbolized our commitment to and love for each other. It was two lives joining to become one. And when we said our vows, it was “until death do us part.”

Now that death has parted us, it might be the right time to make a new commitment — a commitment to myself. A commitment that I can walk this new road alone. The simple truth cannot be denied: I am no longer half of two, twinned into one.

I’m just one.

I looked down on my bare ring finger today and saw the indent that many years of wearing a ring has made. It makes me smile because I know that time will not quickly erase my mark of togetherness. I also know that, right now, a bare ring finger feels OK. Tomorrow it may not but today it does. 

❤️