Lessons widowhood has taught me (so far)

This past year has been one of learning for me.

I’m a work in progress. Some days I’m two steps forward and no steps back. Some days I’m flat on my ass. Both are OK. I’m not strong or brave or inspirational, but I am fierce and smart and determined. 

I wrote this journal entry not long ago about some of the things I’ve learned so far. It’s not advice. Who am I to give advice on anyone's life when, some days, I can’t get my own life together? What it is, though, are some of my battle scars. Lessons learned. Principles fought for. Stands taken.

I’ve listened to advice and taken what’s worked for me and disregarded the rest. Ultimately, I need to continue to find my own way as I move forward down this road.

It’s my story to write.

• • •

I try my very best not to give advice, especially on the road named widowhood, but if I did, here are some things I would say:

• There is no rulebook. There is no guide. Grieve how you want. Live how you want.

• Lots of people will have an opinion on how you should grieve. Lots of people will have an opinion on how you should live. Lots of people will invent a set of rules for you on both. Listen if you like then do what’s right for you.

• You’ll make moves that are brilliant. You’ll make moves that are not. Both are OK.

• You might feel guilty for living. You might feel guilty for being happy. Find a way to push through the guilt. Guilt will do nothing to propel you forward on your new path. The reality is that you are alive and you are allowed to feel all of the emotions associated with that, including happiness.

• See a grief counsellor early on in your grief, if possible. I didn’t know much in the days and weeks after My Favourite Husband died but I did know that I needed to transfer some of the heavy lifting I was putting on my support group to a professional. I knew that one day I would want to have real relationships again — ones in which our exchanges were two-way. Don’t expect your counsellor to perform miracles. They can’t “fix” you or bring your loved one back. Some of the conversations may seem awkward or impossible but they might have more meaning as your grief shifts and changes. Don’t be afraid to use as much Kleenex as you need.

• Find outlets for your grief. I bake. I go to aquafit (an excellent physical outlet for my grief in addition to meeting new people). I’ve started a new career as a flight attendant. I write. I garden. I restore antique furniture. I meet up with friends for meals and a lot of different activities. I belly dance. I did a lot of these things before I was widowed but now I focus on the joy they bring me and not the temporary distraction they provide.

• It’s OK to look at people you find attractive. It’s OK to go on a date if you want to. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to wait. Don’t let anyone tell you you have to go. Keep it quiet if it feels better. Make your own call.

• Do “grief” things when they feel right to you. Almost a year after his death, most of My Favourite Husband’s clothes have been donated. I took his winter coats in months back but I parted with most of the rest of it recently.

• If you like humour and use humour to connect and associate, then do it. I had a recent conversation at work about a hibiscus I bought before My Favourite Husband died. We argued where to plant it and ended up keeping it in a container. When I told the story I also added that he couldn’t tell me where to plant the damn thing now, I laughed and my co-workers laughed. It was good to laugh.

• Have fun if you want. If people don’t like it, they can go pound sand. 

• Cry if you want. If people don’t like it, they can go pound sand.

• Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. 

• Remember how you want. I don’t make My Favourite Husband to be a sinner or a saint because he was ultimately both. How I chose to move forward is by remembering the 27 years we had together and not focus on the fact that there will be no future. I can’t change the future and I can’t change the past but I can be grateful for what I did have and try not to grieve what I can’t.

• You didn’t ask to be put on this road but now that you’re travelling it, you get to choose how you want to travel it. It’s your life.

❤️