'End of my first year without you'

Aug. 10, 2022 — Today is the end of my first year without you. I imagine there will still be many more “firsts” to come but there will never be another first year.

I had thought of different things I was going to do today. Solo hiking in Jasper, going to the racetrack and watching some drag racing, paying it forward with random acts of kindness — all really good ideas but I did none of them.

Instead, I let myself sleep in and, when I woke up, I thought about you. Not the you who I saw last in an emergency department room; the you who jumped into bed with me, stole my pillow and most of the blankets, kissed me, then looked all cute and asked “what’s for breakfast.” That you.

It made me laugh.

I had hoped today wouldn’t be about sad. I did my best to not make it about sad. But I did want to remember you and our life together. I remembered one of the biggest fights we ever had, over illegal immigrants coming into the U.S. We were driving to Tombstone, Ariz., for the day. Along the way, we saw a roadside stand that sold nuts and nut products. I asked to stop and you said we would on the way back. We had a great time in Tombstone and, when it was finally time to head back towards Phoenix, we talked about our day … until we saw that Border Patrol had what looked to be a migrant family gathered along the shoulder of the highway. I expressed sympathy for their situation. You expressed the fact there were legal ways to enter the country. Then it escalated to a point where we both expressed a LOT of things. To your credit, you still pulled over at the nut stand and, to your credit, you didn’t leave me there when I said, “Fuck you,” and slammed the car door. To my credit, I didn’t bean you with a bag of pecans when I got back into the car and you said, “Fuck you, too.” It was a quiet ride back to Casa Grande. We both laughed about that for years.

This is what I wanted to think about: the spats, the adventures when we travelled, the racing, the everyday life. And that’s what I did think about. I’m so grateful for the life I had with you. It wasn’t perfect, not by a longshot. When you take two perfectly imperfect people and put them together, you’re bound to get interesting results. But I wouldn’t change any of it. We loved, we laughed, we fought … we lived.

I thought about it all as I napped in the sun (yes, I should’ve worn sunscreen. Do you have to nag me about it from the great beyond?) I let the memories come when they wanted to and drift off when they were done. I cried a little, smiled more.

I also thought about the life I am building now. Sometimes I feel a little guilty about it because it’s beautiful. And I’m not sure I should be happy. I’m not sure if I should have already found a balance between the life I had and the life I’m having. I’m not leaving you behind. I’m moving forward, not on. The life I had as part of ‘we’ — that’s what gives me the determination to build life as ‘me.’

So today I also thought about all the things that make me the woman I am today. I was loved and I loved back— deeply. I know love. I was valued as a partner. I know my value. I was a caregiver, a fighter, a pillar of strength. I know how to be strong. I also know how to be independent, how to laugh. I’m saying yes to new adventures and yes to meeting new people. I’m also learning to say no. 

And that’s how I spent my day, remembering you and our chapter and thinking about me and my new chapter.

It was perfect.

❤️